Wednesday, June 22, 2016

This is a story about a girl named TMI.

DO NOT even ask me where I come up with my titles, lol. I can't even begin to write until there's a title up there. Anyone else? Sometimes I try to just write and tell myself, "I can come back to a title later." But it OCD's the hell out of me out if it doesn't go in order. So the general outline I'm going with here today is that I wanted to share a little story about WHY I share all this overly TMI stuff in regards to my food and fitness journey. I know for sure there are people out there who probably wonder, "WHAT THE HELL is her deal?!" I realize that I do treat my Instagram as a bit of a diary (not really though, if you read my diary it's waaaay less entertaining) and it is weird, okay...I know that, but there's a reason why. 

So sure, I could be on this health journey all by myself, privately, completely offline...and maybe I would be okay. But maybe not. In fact, probably not. Not saying that it's impossible, but I think it's rare. (Maybe not the online part, but rare that you can do it alone.) I started documenting mine online because A) I have a blog where I write about my feelings and my life, so duh. And B) because I joined a group of girls where we connected through social media to do it together and cheer each other on. (Internet for the win, lol.) So it only made sense to. AND no it wasn't easy at first. It still isn't. It might never be. That first day I talked on Instagram about how I was joining Beachbody and why, I felt like a huge and total loser. I felt like I was admitting that I wasn't okay. Which doesn't feel okay, you know? But at the same time, it also felt really freeing to be able to admit that. I wasn't okay. And I wasn't pretending to be anymore. I joked around a lot, here and there, about being addicted to sugar and things like that because for some reason that makes it feel not real. If we all joke around about how bad we eat, it's like we're not really admitting if it's true or not? (Does that make sense?) So in a way I was admitting I had a problem long ago, I just disguised those admissions as jokes. (See here for a perfect example.) 

Surprisingly, I got feedback almost immediately from people about how they could relate. (I also got a lot of "but what are you trying to fix?" jabs, but that's not what I'm focusing on here today.) And I was like, "wow...maybe I'm not alone in this?" Because for the longest time, I kept alllll my little demons a secret. I felt like everyone else was fine and I must be the only one in the world who had food issues and couldn't make myself go to the gym and felt crazy unhealthy inside my seemingly healthy body. But turns out, that's not the truth. There are plenty of other people who were in the same boat as me, just no one talks about it. Which is probably normal, lol. Who in their right mind goes around talking about their problems all the time online? BUT, I think it's good that some of us do...

And here's why. So I ran a clean eating group a while back, some of you may have even been in it, but it had like, 30 something people in it. Some were active and engaged in the group, and some weren't. (It was really fun by the way I plan to do another one soon!) This was...back in April, so I was really surprised to get a message from a friend  - two months later! - who was in that group, basically thanking me for changing her life. NOT KIDDING. I was like, "um wait what, me??" And the reason I was so surprised was because she was one of the ones who wasn't posting in the group so I assumed she probably didn't participate, or that I was completely unhelpful to her. A lot of people asked to be in the group and then I never heard from them again, so I also sort of assumed some people were there just to secretly make fun of me or something. Which I'm okay with, it's fine lol. But she said this to me completely out of nowhere and made my heart just about burst...

"I've started to eat better and live healthier, and for that I am so thankful." 

You guys. I couldn't believe someone would thank ME for doing that. ME?! Who's just figuring all this stuff out myself. Me, who is NOT NOT NOT an expert in anything. Me, who rambles on and on about my own life and my own problems...kind of selfishly. Me, who panics every time before I post something like, "why am I even sharing this? No one gets it. I'll never help anyone." But this is why. People are watching and people do get it and maybe we're all just looking for someone to open up first and lead the way like, "hey I don't know how all the answers, but I'm gonna try so let's do this." Maybe that sounds a little like "would you jump off a bridge if _______ did?" But I know I had the courage to start out on this journey because I watched someone else go first, so that's why I keep going. That's why it's important to me to keep sharing, even if it borders on being seriously TMI.

AND not only that, but I got two other messages the same week of girls thanking me too. One was a complete and total stranger. It blows my mind that someone would take the time to thank me for being a total weirdo and admitting that eating is hard. And not only am I getting these messages, but I've also become like everyones "person" to talk about food and fitness with. I have friends now who will snapchat me pictures of them running because they hate it too, but they're doing it anyways. Or of them packing their food because they work at a resturuant and they need to be prepared or else they'll eat the dessert tray. I am in contact ALL DAMN DAY with so many girls cheering them on, or just listening to their problems and telling them IT'S OK. 

It's honestly the most incredible and most fulling "job" I've ever had. Job is in quotations because while yes, I have a tiny little title now as a "coach," it seems crazy to call it a job because I'm doing it because I want to, not because I need to. (Although I do need it for myself.) AND yes, I have made some money from it and I'd love love love to make this coaching thing into a sustainable career, but I am NOT in it for the money. Half the people I "coach" have not paid me a dime and I am more than cool with that. If you emailed me right now admitting your struggles, I'd stop everything and write you a novel back telling you IT'S OK. I think I've always naturally been this way, but I never had a way to USE it. So this whole coaching thing is, I feel is just like in my DNA and I'm SUPER into it. 

Gonna stop now before this post goes in a whole other direction lol, but the point is. Yes it's very awkward and uncomfortable at times to open up about myself and my past and my journey, but it's allowing others to have the courage to begin theirs, so it's all more than worth it. So if you've ever wondered what the hell my deal is, that's it.

What I've realized through this experience so far, is that no one can do this alone. You just can't. Whether you go to crossfit (lots of crossfit friends here) or you have a running buddy, or you workout at home alone with an online accountability group, we all need back up. And a lot of us need an example to follow. A leader to say "let's do this" and a tribe behind us cheering us on while we go. I never ever in a million years would have considered myself the leader type before this - I've even answered no to this question many times in interviews - but in this case I will be. I can't explain it, but I have this deep instinctive feeling that I need to be. Which is really crazy because given my history I should not be leading ANYONE on anything food or fitness related, I also know that it's the exact reason I can be. 

And is it hard to keep posting weird shit? Yes. But I think it's important. I decided it's a "movement" I want to be a part of and I keep getting these little signs that I'm onto something so I'm going to keep going. Just yesterday this same girl sent me a picture of herself and said, "before I would never wear shorts! Thanks to you now I do!!" (+ emojis of hearts, lol.) I have done nothing for her to be thanking me for besides being vulnerable in my postings and trying to spread positivity and lead by example. Truly, nothing has ever made my heart feel so full. 

I know I said I was going to focus this week on telling "my story" but honestly, I haven't even started yet because it's going to be hard. So fair warning (no one cares, but just in case) I might have to unplug a bit to really get it out. It's 28 years of suppressed feelings and memories and emotions to sort though, and it'll feel so good to let out...but the process of figuring out how certain things got to certain points is going to be a lot emotionally. And it's going to be REALLY scary to share. If I panic before posting a paragraph on Instagram about how upset I am over eating ice cream, then writing about how I ate half a carton of ice cream one time, threw it up into a bag while John was in the shower and then walked it out to the dumpster is going to really throw me into a panic. My heart's beating a million miles a minute just typing that sentence, but I'm going to fight the urge to delete it. It's a start..

SO, I'm going to get working on that. Not only for myself and my own therapy, but for others because it turns out being vulnerable about our own struggles opens up the door and invites others to safely say..."hey, me too." (Going back to make that my cover photo ASAP.) 


xx.

Thursday, June 16, 2016

Why I'm not a fashion blogger.


Please everyone take a few moments to laugh at this before I go on.....

So. Yeah. Lol. That's me in high school. This is from my Senior yearbook. I blocked out the other kids face in case he's just as embarrassed as I am. (Kidding, I just thought I'd be polite.) This is a post I've been thinking over in my head forever, and then when I found out last week that it was TEN YEARS since I graduated high school, I figured now was the time. This post isn't so much about why I'm not a fashion blogger, but more about why I don't give a SHIT about being cool anymore. Morgan from ten years ago cared SO MUCH about being cool. Like, it was literally all that mattered in the world to me. Which makes me a bit sick now. I talk all the time to John about how I'm going to tell our kids from the day they are born not to worry about being cool. There's literally nothing LESS important in life. Of course I know that now, I didn't in that picture.

But let's pause first and take a minute to talk about that outfit, lol. Because I'M SURE everyone MUST know where it's from. So let me start at the top. First of all, not my real hair. I'm wearing long blond hair extensions. (Not that there's anything wrong with extensions, but GOD you couldn't pay me now to go through that trouble.) Then resting on my head...because this only makes sense for an indoor picture, are Burberry sunglasses that I had to have even though I already had about four other pairs of very expensive designer sunglasses that I definitely could not afford. Then...and this is the best part, I have on a baby boy Lacoste t-shirt that was purchased at the local Salvation Army. And underneath that, a Hollister polo from my job at Hollister that I really didn't have time for so I would skip 6th hour anytime I had to work. (Priorities.) Then we come to the double belt situation...something I was really proud of. I basically invented the twisted belt trend. (That no one else did except for me, lol.) Then I'm wearing some kind of very expensive jeans that again, I could not afford, so I spent my entire paycheck from my job (not the one at Hollister, I had TWO jobs to support my clothing habits) at the local boutique in town. And then I went with Ugg boots. This picture was taken in May. NOT Ugg season. But HAD TO WEAR THEM BECAUSE THEY WERE EVERYTHING IN 2006. 

Ugh. What makes me really sick though is that I was proud of this? Like REALLY proud of it. This meant something to me back then. If you asked me then would I rather pass with good grades that year or win best dressed for the yearbook I would have no question taken best dressed. (Which is basically true because for anyone who doesn't know, I did barely pass high school.) This confirmed to me that I was "cool." And I was proud of being "cool." (Ew ew ew ew ew, the word.)

I'm not sure when it was that I started to get into "fashion" but I can remember as early as Elementary school being very interested in picking out my own clothes. In first grade I remember wearing tights and ripped jean shorts in the winter...and then being very excited when someone else copied me and did it too. I also remember wearing a leotard as a shirt more than once. Which is a bit inappropriate, no? (Or wait, is that cool now? Lol.) I don't know. Point is, I remember being really excited about putting different sort of outfits together. Then came middle school when Abercrombie WAS LIFE and then all I wanted was ALL THE ABERCROMBIE. For Christmas one year I told my Mom all I wanted was Abercrombie clothes. (I even had Abercrombie underwear...) I think that was when I realized that clothes were cool. There was a status in having the "right" clothes. That it was something that made someone "special" or "looked up to" or "cool."  I don't know how to explain it, but I'm sure you get it. And that became me. I don't know if I aimed for it...or if I just realized it happened, but I became known for how I dressed. This makes me cringe a bit to write, because now that I have FB a lot of people have found out about this blog, so people I went to high school with may read this...but I need to vent it out. I have needed to for a while. And oh yeah - I don't give a shit anymore, lol. 


(^ Here's one more from the yearbook for fun. That is a rosary around my neck. A rosary. I am not Catholic. Or even technically religious. Is that totally inappropriate or what? I have no idea how I thought of that. And single belt this time, but I am wearing a long sleeve with a tank top over it, lol? PS- that's my sister!) 

So by high school, my whole identity was what I was wearing. I bought all the fashion magazines. Worked two jobs at clothing stores. I had like ten juicy suits. I remember going on spring break and getting a new swim suit for every day. I had True fucking Religions at 17. (If you don't know, those are like $200 jeans.) But it wasn't ALL to be cool. I really did enjoy it too. I remember going to my senior party and wearing designer everything and then a plastic Little Mermaid necklace I had gotten from Party City, lol. I LOVED the creative aspect of it. I loved putting things together. I loved mixing in vintage necklaces and my Moms old sweatshirts with my expensive newer pieces. It wasn't all bad in that sense. It's kind of like writing for me now, it was an outlet for expression. But the thing is, I was trying so hard. So hard. I was obsessive about it. And fashion and trying to be the best is really hard to keep up with. I wanted new things all the time. It was never enough. Trends, brands, even the feelings associated with having things or being "cool" are fleeting. It's a never ending game. There will always be someone or something better. It's a huge game of wanting, wanting, wanting. By the time you get that "thing" you're already too late, and there's something else you want want want. Being the most fashionable, best dressed person is a moving target. You'll never catch up because the minute you think you've got it, you're behind again. And where does that leave you? Feeling like shit probably, lol. 

And that's why I don't fashion blog.

But that's not what this is really all about. It's about getting over material things because they don't really matter. You guys ever hear that quote, "no one is going to stand up at your funeral and talk about how you had a really expensive couch and a big diamond ring." Think about that. None of it really matters. When you strip it all away, what's left? Just us right? I hid behind my clothes for a long time. I let them be my voice because I was too scared to speak and say "I'm different" which is what I think I was really trying to say. But I got caught up in the coolness factor and it became something else. I did and still do have sort of a problem figuring out who I am. Who I want to be. And it's especially hard in high school to find your place. So once I found mine, it became the most important thing in the world to me. I was never going to be the girl that was voted for homecoming or prom queen like my friends, because I wasn't that pretty (not looking for reassurance or anything, I just had some hot friends) and I wasn't that smart, but I was fine with it because I had this. I felt important because of this. But as much as I thought it made me feel "good" about myself. It really didn't. 


^ Another reason I'm not a fashion blogger, lol. I did this face on purpose. 


^ And again, hahaha. I don't entertain the camera. (That black t-shirt says "HUMMER" lol. It was my little brothers...apparently I had a thing for little boy shirts?)

And now I'm jumping ahead to after high school, but it took getting into a lot of debt to realize that none of it mattered. It was almost good though because I had to rediscover myself without that part of me. (Was I the only one who thought credit meant...free lol?) Once I had to stop shopping, I had to sort of force myself to stop caring. And once I stopped caring about what I was wearing, I stopped caring so much about what anyone else thought of me. And when you take out everyone else, you're sort of forced to start focusing on what YOU think of YOU. Which is a hell of a lot harder and more complicated than just putting cool clothes on and being like, "hey everyone likes me so I must like me." I had to learn what it was that I really liked about me. If that makes sense...

Do I still like fashion? OF COURSE. I think I still have a good eye for it, although now I'm much more...reserved, lol. I still like nice things, I can't help it. But I'm not letting them define who I am anymore. I'm still learning to be okay with wearing the same thing twice. (A NEVER for high school me.) I still sometimes find myself admiring people for the things they have. I still make notes in my phone of "things I want." I still obsess over what I don't have sometimes, but then I remember that it doesn't matter. I'm still me regardless of what I have or what I'm wearing so I try to focus more on that. 

So I don't fashion blog because what I'm wearing doesn't matter. (Also, because I'm not a billionaire. And because I wear a v-neck every day. And because of my face, lol.) It's a contest I don't want to be a part of. I have more important things to work on. Like what's underneath the clothes. (NOT a fitness joke, lol, but like...I'm a person with a brain and a soul that deserves more attention. You know?)

Seriously though, ten years? Where did the time go? Anyone else in that boat this year? When I think about it for too long I start to get angry like, "did I really just waste the past ten years? I have no degree, no babies, nothing to really show what I've been doing." But then part of me can look at this and know that I've done something for myself. I grew up. A lot. (Although A LOT of that had to do with moving away too. Another ramble for another day.) And that's really what being in our twenties is all about right? Getting to know ourselves? Working on ourselves? Being totally selfish like that? (Unless you have babies, then good for you. I'm jealous you were ready and I'm not.) Honestly, it's a big part of the reason I got into fitness and health this year. It's another step in my "growing up" journey. And the realization that I have two years until 30 and who do I want to be going into that chapter of my life? Not that we all change after 29 or anything like that. We will all be different people in different places, just like we are now. But I've got goals (read babes) for my thirties, and part of that is loving myself unconditionally from the inside out, not caring about what anyone else thinks and reminding myself that I'm smart. That's something I tell myself every day now. (Even though yeah, I do still make fun of myself a lot. Bad habits don't just die.)

But, I'm smart.

Something I should have been telling myself every day at 18 because I was so much more than just this page in the yearbook, I just didn't see it yet. But that's part of growing up right? If we all stayed the person we were in high school...life would suck, lol. Right? It's just weird. The whole growing up thing. I'm sure I'll read this back in another ten years and have a lot more to say, but that's life. We grow. One, five, ten years at a time.

xx

Friday, June 10, 2016

Live from our Texas Honeymoon.

Kidding.

We're not on a honeymoon (obviously you know that) but last week I kept saying to John, "this feels like our honeymoon" because it was like we were on vacation and it was fun. This week feels a bit more like...a prison, haha. Kidding again, but it's just not been as fun. John had this whole week off too and we've mostly gotten bored. But I think it's a good bored. I'm always for rest time in-between big life changes so I think it was important to take a few weeks off. Especially for him. Last time we did a big job switch we ran away to Europe for a month and it totally rejuvinated us and took our stresses away. This time we couldn't really do something that extreme, but two weeks to just relax was perfect.

Maybe the reason it feels like we're on vacation though is this??


Like, how amazing is this pool? It's basically two pools, with two different areas to sit IN the water, which I love. So we actually chose this place because it's the "sister" to the last apartment we had in Texas. We loooved it there. And so far, we looove it here too. We only went to the pool together once, last Sunday and John who REFUSES to wear sunscreen (I think I've talked about this before lol) got SUPER burnt so all this week he's been on like house arrest and hasn't left because he won't go in the sun, lol. I'm not even allowed to touch him. Like, if I get too close to him he backs away like, "don't come near me." Which is really hard for me because I like to squeeze/hug him about 100 times a day. But anyways, I have been enjoying taking Ted for nice long walks around here and the pool and the sun and getting a tan because I wear sunscreen...

And while I do all of that John's been binge watching this show called Black Sails. Anyone ever heard of it? I told him I bet no one has ever heard of it so that's why I'm asking, haha. I haven't really been watching, but from what I gather it's about pirates...and is basically porn. I think it's on Showtime...so, go figure. Every time I catch a clip I'm like, "what the hell?" Lol. He feels kind of bad because I don't think he's watched TV (besides Game of Thrones, Teen Mom, our usuals) in like six months but I keep reminding him that until recently all I did was binge watch shows, so not to feel bad. I've been getting back into my workout routine, so I've been busy (busy is a joke of a word, but it keeps me occupied I should say) with that this week. I'm REALLY going to go hard at this now that we're settled again, so get ready for a lot of fitness related posts. 

OH, and Johns other hobby since he's been home this week has been tracking down the UPS man. We did a bunch of online shopping last week (new work stuff for him...non work stuff for me lol) and this is how well John does with having nothing to do, he's literally been OBSESSED with tracking these packages. We put them in my name (always do) and every hour he'll ask "hey can you check those tracking numbers? hey have you gotten any emails on those packages? where are they?" He was in the bathroom the other day, with the door open not like GOING TO the bathroom, and a Fedex truck drove by and his ears perked up and I started laughing because I knew what was coming...he peeks his head out and goes, "hey did you hear that?" I was like, "sorry John, just Fedex" lol. 


And not online, but he got new cowboy boots!! This was huge because he pretty much ruined his living in the Carolinas because of the clay and are now all orange colored, so he really wanted/needed new ones and I kept telling him he should treat himself to celebrate his new job. (I'm the worst, I'll tell everyone to treat themselves to everything always, lol.) He keeps joking about me getting some and I'm like, no. If I ever get cowboy boots, someone slap me. (It's bad enough I say the occasional "ya'll.")


But sort of honeymoon-ish, we did treat ourselves to massages last week! We thought after the drive here we deserved it. I texted John from the locker room to send me a robe selfie, but I got nothin lol. 



And in little Teddy bear news, he got a new "outfit" AKA collar. We thought he needed a fresh start too. When it came in the mail (not UPS lol) we got all excited about it and I think he was a bit disappointed when this was it, haha. Another funny John story because this is our honeymoon after all - so John was in the other room and I was with Ted and I don't really filter myself I just talk like no one's listening and I was like, "AW Ted you're so cute in your new outfit. You're like a whole new dog. Sometimes I look at you and for a second it doesn't even look like you." And then John comes behind me and goes, "But Mom it's still me!" HAHAHA. Maybe it's only funny if you're me, but I died laughing. (^ PS: Johns wearing a long sleeve shirt and jeans because of his sunburn, haha. PS: IT'S HOT HERE. TOO HOT FOR THAT.) 


And we did check out a new dog park for Ted and that was a success. Lots of nice dogs, shady (as in lots of treeees), and a giant swimming pond. Ted had a great time. Unfortunately John and I both ended up getting a little beat up, lol. John slipped on some rock or something and cut his foot and then a GIANT horse dog ran into the back of my leg and bruised the shit out of me. This picture doesn't even show it, but it's like black bruised around that little scratch. Not sure why I needed to share that, but documenting useless things is kind of my specialty. 


Then in more useless news, we did drive around the other day and I took some pictures. So we don't live "in" Dallas, we're definitely out in the suburbs (where we like to be) so this is as close as I've got. My first thought of Dallas when we drove in initially was...construction. EVERYWHERE. Like every single highway we've been on is under some kind of construction. I was like, "no wonder you were so in demand out here John" lol. (No he doesn't do roads, but still funny joke.) So after we drove like 3 miles an hour around town, I was glad we live where we live. 



And this is just because construction or not, I missed the highways here. They do them right. And pretty. With stars. 

So clearly this isn't really a honeymoon. It just feels like it in the sense that we've spent two whole weeks together doing a whole bunch of nothing. And clearly we've never been on a honeymoon if that's what we think one is, haha. But sometimes doing nothing is the best. And it's still not over...we've got the rest of the weekend too! We've got plans for a date night tonight (the search is ON to find the best Mexican food) and plans to hit the dog park again Sunday. And then, it's back to real life. Like, REAL LIFE this time. Like...time for Morgan to figure out what she wants to do with the rest of her life? This is a big source of...stress and emotions for me. I've been sort of putting it out of my mind, but it's gotta get figured out. I think I may write about it soon though...so wait for it. (If you want to read about my life that is. No pressure ever.) And still hoping to work on this blog soon...it needs changes. But that's also a source of stress so I avoid it, haha.

Until later...xx
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