Sunday, May 22, 2016

NASCAR CONFESSION.


My phone taught me last night that NASCAR must be in all caps, so this title must be in all caps too because it's important.

Last night I had two beers, two chicken tenders and six french fries.

And while this may have never been a big deal before, it is to me now because I made myself a promise not to do these type of things except for one day a month. Which was not supposed to be yesterday...

I know it's not the WORST thing I could have done. I mean, two beers? That's nothing. Two chicken tenders and SIX WHOLE FRENCH FRIES?! I know, that's nothing too. Really. I know this sounds completely ridiculous that I feel the need to confess about this, but I have to because I think it actually taught me a really good lesson.

I've been really, really strict on myself about this whole eating clean thing. I'm SUPER committed to it. And I've talked about it before, how I don't do well with the guilt and conflicted feelings I have after allowing myself a "treat" or when things go off plan, like in this case. I am really hard on myself about it. And after last night, I'm starting to wonder if I'm helping or hurting myself by being this STRICT about it?

In a way, it's good. I'm learning to say no to a lot of things that I should be saying no to. Every time I pass through the bakery in the grocery store, I can say no to donuts and cakes and pastries because there's no reason I need to take them home and eat them all myself. When I'm at Costco and the pizza smell is in my face, I can say no because I know pizza is nothing but a comfort food and eating a block of cheese is everything but comfortable the next day. When I'm waiting in the self checkout line at Target staring down the candy selection, I can say no because I know there's no reason I should grab M&M's just because I'm bored waiting in line. When I'm at work and the kids are eating Nutella pancakes, I can say no because I'm a grown ass adult who probably already ate breakfast and knows what Nutella really is, lol. And at home it's really easy for me to say no since I have complete control over what I keep in the kitchen to begin with.

But when should I be saying yes?

Last night, was supposed to be really fun. Johns brother was in town with his company and he was totally nice and went ABOVE and beyond to include us in everything and get us these tickets and I spent the entire night beating myself up in my head about drinking beer and eating fried chicken.

I had absolutely no intentions of drinking or eating badly because I'm getting so good at saying no. No is control. And I like control. I ate before we left. I brought a few snacks. I offered to drive. I had it all planned out in my head. I'd be fine. But I wasn't.

Because I wanted to say yes.

I passed on drinking for a while. I had iced tea. I ate almonds out of my purse. And then when someone bought me a beer, I felt...relief. Like the fight was over. It was my chance to give up control. Because if I'm being honest with myself, which maybe I should have been from the beginning, I really didn't want to be the person eating almonds out of her purse like a fucking weirdo. So I took the beer even though a big part of me was saying, "NO Morgan, you can't have a beer you made a promise!"

And for the next four hours or so I went went back and forth between telling myself that I was a failure and telling myself that I was at a fucking NASCAR race. For probably the only time in my life. Spending time with my husband. And family I don't get to see often. In North Carolina which I may never see again come next week. I tried to relax about it, but the guilty thoughts kept creeping back up into my brain.

This morning I woke up with a sick stomach ache. In part because of the fried chicken, but partly because I knew I had to confess this. See, I have this group on Facebook of girls doing the 21 Day Fix with me, and every weekend or usually on Monday morning everyone comes out to vent or confess what they did that weekend - how they ate this or that, or how they had a social event that they decided to break the rules for. And I am always behind them 1,000% like, "GOOD FOR YOU! HAVE FUN! ENJOY YOUR LIFE!" Because the thing is I don't expect anyone else to be perfect...

But I expect myself to be. Which isn't fair. Shouldn't I allow myself to enjoy life and have fun too?

So that's what I learned last night from NASCAR. (I still am confused why it's all caps lol?) Life isn't all about having a flat stomach and getting 8 hours of sleep every night. It can't be "no" all the time, just like it can't be "yes" all the time. There has to be that BALANCE. (All cap style.) That one little word I'm having the hardest time with...


I play this game with myself sometimes, usually when I'm afraid to do something or I'm not sure if I'm making the right choice, where I ask myself, "will this matter when I'm old and dead?" And it kind of puts things into perspective for me. I think at some point last night I thought, I can either stick to my clean eating and this night will blend into the rest of my life...or I can have a beer and make it memorable. And I think I made the right choice. Sure, yesterdays choices will bleed into todays, as I've already put off my workout this morning and ate more than my daily "allowance" of carbs, but I can balance that out with tomorrows choices, right? No I don't feel totally okay with the choices still, but I think I needed it. 

During those mini-arguments I was having in my head over whether or not to eat the fried chicken, I had this thought that I should have just stayed home. But I can't just stay home all the time. I know that's unhealthy for me, just as I should know that being too strict on myself is too. 

LIFE LESSONS GUYS. I'm always looking for them. But I feel so much better now that I vented that out. And it's probably a good thing I broke the rules last night, because the next week is about to get hard. Up until last night I also had full intentions of eating clean while on the road this weekend and if I'm really being honest, I know that's not going to happen no matter how many almonds I bring. There's a very good chance McDonalds will end up happening, or something equally as "bad" and I have to remember that 'balance' word. And the fact that moving across the country to our new "home" is a memory I should try to enjoy, and sometimes that means throwing the plan out the window for a day or two and just living. A hamburger won't kill me. It's fine. 

Ok. For real this time, SEE YOU IN TEXAS. 
xx

Friday, May 20, 2016

Goin' "home."



I'm sort of writing this post as an FYI since I'm about to be MIA because WE'RE MOVING BACK TO TEXAS!! It's been a long time coming...but at the same time it's all happening really fast. And we're kind of prepared for it...but also not at all prepared. Everything's about to get real busy, real fast. The plan's been "in motion" for a while now, but now we have to make all the little details happen very quickly. Like, where do we live? When we do we leave? How do we get there? Cancel this, order that. Talk to this person, email that person. You know, just the essential/annoying little things that have to be done when you're moving five states away. BUT, this is hopefully the last time we have to move like this because we are about to become PERMANENT residents of Texas. LIKE GETTING NEW DRIVERS LICENSES AND EVERYTHING! I'm totally going to have to re-think the whole direction of this blog because so far a lot of it's been loosely based around our weird gypsy lifestyle, haha. (That's okay though, I've been rethinking it anyways...maybe more health/happiness/wellness/fitness directed. And of course still ramblings. Mostly ramble is all I do here...)

So besides that FYI-might-not-blog-for-a-month warning, I thought I'd also explain a little bit more about why we're going back...

I'm sure anyone who's read this blog over the past year or so knows that we really loved our time in Texas. It's still something I can't quite explain. We just loved it. I used to talk a lot about how John REALLY became himself there, but I think it was true for me also. I just didn't realize it at the time because I try not to get too attached to anything in life, but from the moment we got here all I wanted to do was to go back "home." Texas became home. We're not going back to the same place, but to Dallas this time, and I've never been so maybe I shouldn't speak too soon but I really think it'll become home too. Maybe I sound crazy saying that and it makes no sense to anyone but us, but we truly think that's where we should be. I'm a huge, HUGE believer in signs and that life shows you the right path if you pay attention, and as much as we have hated it here, it's what we needed to show us the right path.

At the end of Johns project in Texas we actually were at a crossroads of what to do next. I somewhat hinted at it when I was like, "we're probably moving soon...but can't confirm." And that was because we almost stayed. John got a really good opportunity basically dropped in his lap at the end there and it would have been staying in Houston, for good. It was super tempting and we spent A LOT of time weighing our options and the pros and the cons about it. In the end we decided to stick to our original plan and keep moving on with this travel gig. It was honestly really hard for us to decide. And I personally cried a lot, lol. I wrote in my journal how I didn't want to stay in Texas. How then I would have to figure out so much more about myself. How I'd have to try to fit in. How traveling had just become a part of my story. (All of my reasons were very selfish. I realized I've used "moving a lot" as a crutch and an excuse for a lot of things in recent years. Probably something I should write about/explore more soon...) And John spent a lot of time weighing what would be best for us long term. (Because he is NOT selfish, lol.) So because I really didn't want to stay, and because to him it made more sense in the long run to go, we left. But it hasn't really worked out that way. It's not really my place to get into all the details of it because this is all clearly based a lot on HIS job, but moving here just didn't pay off the way it should have. Not to mention...we didn't really like it. Was that obvious, haha?? There's nothing wrong with North/South Carolina, and honestly we have NO room to talk because we've been here for two seconds and haven't seen a fraction of these states, but something just didn't feel right to us. This isn't home to us. (And I posted a while back about how this was Johns main office now and how that meant that someday we would probably end up here for good. So we knew that wasn't what we wanted.)

Over the past five months we've talked a lot about what to do. I think this last move really put us over the edge and at a place where we're just done. We're burnt out from it. Like, how many more times will we move somewhere and just like it alright? What's the point in that? Not to mention how many times will we "start over?" It's a part of what I used to like about it, but it's becoming harder and harder for me personally to go through that part. It's almost like at first I enjoyed moving so much because it was like I was "running away" from everything, but I'm just not a running person anymore. I want to stay put. I want to be able to work on my life, our life, our home, our place in this world without having to change the idea of what that is every time. I want to be able to live somewhere long enough where I don't have to use a GPS to get EVERYWHERE. (Literally still have to do this every day.) I want to be able to buy something and not think "will this match every single apartment we might have?" We've made a lot (okay, so not a lot...but a few) of friends and then they either move away or we move away. It's been very lonely, which I honestly don't mind most of the time, but I'm realizing it's not the healthiest. So while there's a lot of things we've gained from traveling, there's also a lot we've had to miss out on because of it. We don't take any of it back...but we're ready to turn in our keys.

SO, we made a plan. We wished and prayed (me, lol) and worked (John, lol) for it. Really though, I just think it was meant to be. We got sent here for a reason...to make us stop and question where we really wanted our life to go. And it pointed us back. And really, it wasn't so difficult to get back. I always tell John that him and I are very lucky people. I'm not sure what we've done to deserve it...but we just are. Like you would not BELIEVE the number of lucky pennies I found in the past few months. Probably around ten, not kidding. I kept finding them everywhere and then I'd send John a picture and be like, "don't worry, everything's going to work out." I even snuck one into this backpack before he went to Dallas and he was like, "did you seriously put one of those pennies in here?" But it must have worked because WE'RE GOING TO DALLAS so HAH!


"Maybe people hate then around here" haha. I found this one while John was actually in his interview. Like, come on? Tell me that isn't weird?? But of course it's not all luck, Johns very good at what he does. And he's the most determined person I know. He knows what he wants and he fights for it because he knows he's worth it. Basically his middle name is confidence. (Something I think I'm finally learning from him lol.) I always laugh because he's the type of person who goes into an interview and asks, "what can you do for me?" while I'm the person who goes in like, "hi, I'll be your slave and do whatever you want." Lol. 

So yeah. Going to Dallas. I titled this post thinking of that Drake song...you know the one that goes, "just hold on we're goin' home." A little over two and a half years ago we were going through somewhat of a similar situation, when we were in Omaha and decided to move back "home" which was to Michigan then, and I remember that song coming on the radio one night and bawling in the car to John. All I wanted was to go "home." Except when we got there, it wasn't really home anymore for us...and we left again. It's like we've been on a mission this whole time to find out where "home" is for us. Where do we belong? Where do we want our life to happen? I mean, Michigan will always be home in a way, but it's almost like we grew up in one house and it was great and we loved it, but then we moved to a new, bigger and better house. I don't know, that's how I would best describe it. 

Anyways, we're excited. We're ready for it. John wants to buy a house. I want some babies. Life's about to get REAL. Just kidding, neither will be happening anytime soon but at last we can plan for them now. Which is more than we've been able to do, ever.

So we will see how this all goes! There may still be some travel here and there, but nothing like actually moving our entire life around. And we may not even love Dallas the way we loved Houston, we'll see. I've been known to speak too soon, but I just can't help but be REALLY excited about it. Like we are REALLY EXCITED over here. Johns actually been home all week and taken care of pretty much everything (thank you God). And I put my two weeks with the family I work for, so my last day will be...a week from today, and then we're leaving the next morning. Nothing is packed yet and we have people coming into town this weekend so this is about to get real hectic, but in a good way. (Hence the reason I'm taking a mini break from blogging here...)

So wish us luck guys...I mean YA'LL and SEE YOU IN DALLAS!!

xx

Thursday, May 12, 2016

My 28th birthday, almost a week late..

Nothing like writing about something that happened six days ago...or posting at night when you know no one will see it, lol. I have to document just a tiny bit though! And since I burdened everyone with that painfully boring description about my last day being 27, I thought I'd keep it real simple with just a few pictures. And of course a few words...

So, all I wanted to do for my birthday was go to Target, get Starbucks, a LARGE bag of peanut butter M&M's and then go to dinner somewhere that had brownies on their dessert menu. So I did the first part earlier in the day by myself. Target. Starbucks. M&M's. Those peanut butter M&M's...so good. I was popping them like popcorn all day, and then when I saw them on the counter the next morning I threw them into the trash. It was fun while it lasted, but not happening again for a long, long time. (Maybe that should be my sugar treat once a month? But maybe just a small bag, lol...) By the time I got home from Target/eating M&M's in my car for about four hours, John was already home. He gave me the sweetest card and I opened it while he was on the phone and I was like making faces at him like, "AWW. AWW. AWW." And then he told me that he just picked it up real quick at the grocery store, haha. But it seriously was perfect. LIKE it all made sense to us and our life. I spend like hours trying to always find the perfect card and I never can. 


It might be weird, but some of my favorite pictures ever are the ones before the "good one." What I see when I look at this is A) John is REALLY tired and B) I AM REALLY FUCKING HAPPY. It feels like it's been ages since he's gotten home at a decent time, so it was a real treat. I miss him. (PS: feeling super sappy today, lol.) We decided to go to the mall so I could go...SHOPPING. Duh! I had my first Lululemon experience which was maybe one of the most exciting times of my life because I just would not let myself shop there before, but now I live in my workout clothes and am actually USING THEM. So when John was like, "wanna go to lulu?" I was like..."you know what, yes I do." 


A few things. First of all, I just really like my hair in this picture. And secondly, WHAT is with Lululemon sizing??! I didn't really look and just picked what would be my usual size...then I had to go back and get a size bigger...and then a size even bigger. And I could have gone maybe even one bigger than that! (PS I'm talking about the shorts here, I didn't try on any pants since I don't even like to workout in pants.) What's pictured here is actually the first pair, so two sizes too small, haha. It was crazy. But I do get the hype. They're nice. Very nice. My good old Nike clothes are probably going to get rotated out here soon...


And before I get started on my rant about denim shorts...I'm just going to fast forward to dinner. So we went to Maggianos because it was like "our place" back when we lived in Chicago (aka outside of Chicago, but you know, "same thing") and we hadn't been since, so I thought it would be nice. And if I'm going to have a treat, why not have all the best things like wine and bread and pasta right? It was just SO much food though. WAY too much. But not getting into that discussion right now either, lol. But funny little story I have to tell/want to remember - so John made a reservation earlier in the day and when we got there I was like, "Apfel 8:45" and she was like.."nope don't see you." And I was like pulling John over like, "um hey...you called right?" And he was about to get real pissed and took out his phone like to show her that he called, but then he saw the number he dialed said Nashville TN, hahaha. So we got on the waitlist and even though she said 45 minutes, we got a table like not even 30 seconds later. It was was fine. And really, is it not the thought that counts? I was just impressed that he called ahead, lol. 


Had to have it. Brownies are another one of my favorites. This one was like "bite-sized" bites and all warm and gooey and had chocolate chips in them. Unfortunately, I was really, like REALLY full by then but I still enjoyed it. And then they brought out lemon cookies with candles. But I don't really like lemon cookies, so John ate those and I had most of this. 


By the time we got out of there it was like 11PM so the inside of the mall was closed....and we had parked WAY around the other side at Nordstrom so we had to walk ALL the way around the mall, haha. Besides the fact that I was so stuffed I couldn't even breathe at this point, it was pretty funny. I kept trying to take pictures of us (wine buzz..like ONE glass too) but this is best I got. 

....and then I went to bed for the first time as a 28 year old. Just kidding, lol. Really I went to bed with a stomach ache and was like, "DON'T TOUCH ME" to John, haha. I thought I might throw up. But it was a pretty great birthday. I just think I'll tone it down maybe on the treats next time...or maybe not. The end!! xx
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