The other morning I was outside and I said to myself, "I hate everything." And I'm sorry, but it felt awesome. I decided I can hate things sometimes. Moods are temporary, and I'm all about feeling the feelings, so why not? It will pass eventually. But for real, I've been being a real 'B' word this week.
Yesterday in Walmart, I climbed (barely!) up to reach something on the top shelf and an employee shouted, "MAAM???????" (like, not in a nice way) and caught me so off guard I was like, "oh, sorry." And then he was like, "do you need something?????" (again, not in a nice way) and in my head I was like, "OBVIOUSLY!" but I went, "nope, got it." Then I immediately texted John that I hate people and spent the rest of my time shopping there thinking of things I wish I had said back to him. Like, I literally turned the next aisle and there was an employee also climbing the shelf. I'm short, give me a break. Am I just not supposed to buy things off the top shelf? Do you really care about the fucking shelf that much? Get a life guy.
Sorry I cursed. I had to. It annoyed me.
Then, and now this is a really sad story, but since I can't sleep (really, CANNOT sleep) lately I was trying to take a nap the other day, and they are doing construction next to our apartment and I had the most rage-infuled nap of my life. All I could hear was BANG BANG BANG and I wanted to kill everyone. I won't say what I was thinking about, but just imagine not nice thoughts. From someone who literally has the luxury of spending long periods of time unemployed each year and is able to take naps.
...I'm a horrible person.
And then Ted has been MR. CRY BABY this week. He's always whined quite a bit, but lately he is acting literally like an 11 month old baby (which he is lol). I think it was on Monday, I cried every time we got back inside from a walk. He's just a lot to handle sometimes. When we're inside he's crying at me which I take as a constant reminder that his life sucks, which then makes me feel very, very sad and guilty. So I take him for a lot of walks. But he is driving me crazy here at this new apartment because the "mulch" areas or whatever they're called, are filled with pine needles. (No idea what that's about, and we keep getting reminders about them being fire hazards so that's comforting lol.) And Ted has an obsession with sticks, like he cannot walk unless he has a stick in his mouth, so he thinks he's hit the jackpot and that these pine needles are just piles of sticks for him. He's become kind of obsessed, and is always pulling me towards the pine needles and grabbing mouthfuls of them and dragging them all around, and making a mess and, yeah. I just want to walk. I seriously wonder if anyone ever hears me on our walks. I'm like, "Ted this is called exercise. It only works if we keep moving. Please walk. Walk Ted. TED WALK." Does anyone have a dog who will just walk? I'd love that. I made it my goal the last few days to just not get frustrated with him, and I'm getting better. But I don't always have the patience with him. (Ask me why I don't have kids yet.) And his guilt trip did wear on me eventually, so I did take him to the dog park. For the first time by myself I might add. It was so, so muddy because it was like right after the snow had all melted and he got so, so filthy, but we survived. I don't like going without John because I just get nervous. Like, if Ted was in trouble with a mean dog or something I would probably freeze up instead of try to rescue him, so I just worry a lot. But it was fine. I felt like a nice person again afterwards.
...and then he had to get a bath, and the whole frustrating 9 yards once we got home, and I cried again. Haven't cried yet today though, so I'm getting somewhere. I should also mention this isn't totally normal, it is "that time." You know. So give me a little break.
I'm just chalking it up to karma for being such a little 'B' this week. Apparently being ugly on the inside WILL make you ugly on the outside. Consider yourself warned.
And sorry for once again being a downer. I promise I'll stop, one day. I actually sat down with the intention to write something along the lines of "Things I'm into Thursday" so I could talk about my new water bottle and all the beets I've been eating from Costco and Chelsea Handlers blue nail polish. But this happened instead. Blogging is weird yeah?