Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Why I'm having such a hard time watching Making a Murderer.


I think I might be the last person on earth to watch this docu-series on Netflix, and to be fair I just finished episode 9 so I still have one left, but I'm pretty positive that there won't be any happy endings and I won't be feeling any better after I finish it. I mean, a 17 year old kid just got sentenced to life in prison...

If you follow me on snapchat you've seen my daily struggles while I try to watch this show. It's eating me up. At times I swear I can feel my heart physically hurt, and I know I'm just a super emotional person to begin with (like cannot even watch the news) but there's more to it. I was okay with the first few episodes. Yeah I felt bad for Steven Avery, particularly the part when he had to leave his day old twin boys for 18 years in prison, and obviously the fact that he had to spend 18 years there for a crime he didn't commit in the first place. But I could handle that part. I wasn't crying over it. But when they introduced 16 year old Brendan Dassey, I had to keep pausing and was asking myself the same question I do when I try to watch the news, "is it better that I don't know about this?" I knew this would be something that made me want to cry long after I watched it, because all I could think about when I saw him was my little brother, Matt.

That picture is about a year and a half old, so he's a little bit older looking now. He's 15, a little bit rounder in the face, and without the Bieber swoosh. And maybe no one else would agree, especially without knowing him, but something about Brendan just reminded me so much of Matt. The dark hair. The teenage acne. (He will never read this blog, so not worried about him knowing I called him out on that. Besides, I still have acne, haha.) But more than that it was his behavior. The behavior and mannerisms of Brendan Dassey reminded me more than anything of my brother. He's super shy. Even when I try to talk to him, he gets all nervous and shy and can't look me in the eye and replies with a lot of one word answers and "I don't knows." And all I could do was imagine if someone took my brother out of school, questioned him the way they did to Brendan, how scared would he be? Would he react the same way? Guess at answers in hopes that he could just get out of there? To be honest, probably.

A few years ago, him and a friend were caught ("caught" might be a harsh word here) by the police with cigarettes in a parking lot behind a department store. The police made him call my Mom and he said sorry and more or less admitted it, but later he told my Mom that they weren't his and that he didn't touch them. And maybe he was telling the truth to her, and maybe he wasn't (I know I would have been lying) but I was just thinking of that and how he fessed up to the police and I'm guessing it's because he was scared. I'm sure in his eyes it's because he thought that's what he was supposed to do. Hell, even if most kids were guilty of doing something like that they would fight to the grave that they didn't do it. But he's just not like that. And on the other hand, if someone wanted him do something that he knew he wasn't supposed to do, for example like smoke cigarettes, I wonder, would he do it? Would he know how to say no? I'm not sure.

I think especially as a child, you don't exactly know how to stand up for yourself. You don't have so many of the tools that you would need in order to survive something like this. I don't even know if most adults do. It's too much. And what breaks my heart about this was that Brendan seemed to be alone. He didn't know how to fight for himself, and he didn't really have anyone fighting for him. (At times I wanted to strangle his Mom.) I'm still confused and shocked that they were able to treat him the way that they did in the first place. All the "you can trust us" crap and then completely turning against him. He was literally a child that got ganged up on. And all I can think about when I see Brendan Dassey is my little brothers innocent face and I feel this heartache thinking about his life being taken away from him at 16. It's not fair.

So, that's why I'm totally distraught over this show. I feel bad for Steven Avery too. I really do. But I think he has a much stronger personality so I'm not so worried about him. I think he will be okay. (Although I DO think he should have testified for himself. That was a mistake.) Who I'm worried about that kid who while detectives were questioning him about being involved in a murder case, was more concerned about turning in his project for 6th hour. The kid who when questioned what he did to her head, the worst he could come up with was "cutting off her hair?"

But I think like everyone else now, I'm hopeful that this documentary will bring new light to the case and that maybe these two (or at least Brendan, please for the love of god he's still young!) will get a second chance. And in the mean time I'll just keep texting my little brother that I love him while he probably thinks I'm c-r-a-z-y. (Which I am. At least emotionally crazy.)


Anyone else, thoughts? 

x. 

14 comments:

  1. I totally agree. I feel so bad for Brendan. I kind of think Steven may have actually done it...but I still think evidence was planted. I think that at least all the people who coerced Brendan's confessions should face consequences, even if no one faces consequences for planting evidence. Watching those interviews and hearing the phone calls made me want to cry. He does not deserve to be in prison.

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    1. Yeah I guess I am still on the fence about Steven because it's just too much. But even if say Brendan was there for the fire or knew something about it, I think it's safe to say it wasn't his idea and not his fault and seriously just a kid! I guess I'm confused because shouldn't he have been tried as a minor? Even if he was found guilty by association he should have gotten a lesser sentence. LIFE in prison is an insane punishment for a 16/17 year old. I just can't believe things like this happen.

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    2. Kids don't get tried as minors for murder. Especially at 16/17. An adult crime was definitely committed so no trial as a minor... Apparently a lot was left out of this documentary. If you do further research, they do talk about a lot of the evidence that it didn't include that made it definitely look like Steven Avery was guilty and that Brendan Dassey did play a part in it also. So, who knows... After seeing it, I totally thought they were both framed, but then after reading about more research, I realized that the show is totally biased and is portraying only one point of view. I have no idea what to think.

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    3. Ohh no!! Really??? I better look into this because I have like been losing sleep over an innocent 16 year old losing his life. Even if he did have a part in it, I would like to think he wasn't the mastermind of it all you know. Like he was bullied into it and not a total monster. But I know you are totally right, they made us believe a certain way. They knew this would tug on everyones heart strings. I'm also though curious why they didn't tattle on each other? I would think that Steven would be like "he did it!" and Brendan would be like "no, he did it!" So that part made me think maybe they both were really innocent since that would have been something I think they would have tried. We will never know!

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  2. Yeah I can't decide on how I feel about Steven Avery, but I hate the parts with Brendan. So wrong. I am also surprised about all of this hype for Steven and not Brendan. Steven may or may not have done it, but Brendan?? It is crazy to me to think about too because he is our age now. I can't imagine. His mom drove me crazy too, but I had to keep reminding myself that family coped the best way they knew how and the lack of education for that family is evident, and not all their fault.

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    1. I know, that's what made it even sadder to watch. Like, when he called his mom and went "they say my confessions weren't consistent. What does consistent mean?" And she goes, "I don't know." I was like omg, they are not equipped for this at all! He hardly stood a chance! And it broke my heart to see the pictures of him now. Think of all the things we've done in ten years, graduated, college, marriage etc and he's had nothing. It's horrible for me to say, but even if he did do it, I hope he gets out. He deserves a chance still. Or if not, I hope he gets some jail girlfriends. (I'm sure they both have tons of fan girls now lol)

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  3. I am not sure what think about Brendan. Part of me thinks that he might have helped but then again, his confession seemed totally coerced. After reading more about the crimes after watching everything, it seems like there was so much left out of the documentary which is kind of frustrating. But, I hear ya, if Brendan didn't have anything to do with it, it's sad to see someone that young go to prison.

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  4. Honestly watching it made my physically ill. I was so sad and heartbroken and emotional during the whole series. Watching Brendan made my hurt ache. I'm not going to pretend to know what happened or if they are innocent, etc. But I definitely believe they both deserve a second chance (new trials). I haven't gotten that upset over a tv thing in a loonngg time. :(

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    1. Ohhh my favorite little emotional friend :) I am with you. I'm not kidding I kept putting my hand over my heart. It was just not fair what they did to him. He was just a kid!! And the way that they treated him makes me so sick.

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  5. Ugh that was the hardest part to watch. I do think Steven probably did it but poor Brendan was completely manipulated.

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    1. I know. I'm really torn about Steven. But I also have to think like, if he DID kill her, why did he not clean it up better? Like don't you think he totally would have gotten rid of the car? Too many questions! I really hope someday the truth comes out. I feel like of bad that there was like no focus or sad feelings for the person who actually died. It's like sometimes I forgot that's really a tragedy too. At least Steven wasn't burned to death you know.

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  6. Wow, no wonder you reacted so strongly to MAM! This makes total sense, and you're right - the hardest part for me watching that show was all the Brendan scenes... like when he said to his mom he was "stupid." I really don't know what happened and who killed that woman but the documentary does a GREAT job of making you question everything and realize just how broken our criminal justice system can be. Did you finish yet??

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    1. Yes I did :( Still so sad over it. I know the angle of it was supposed to make us believe their innocent obviously, so I keep telling myself that maybe they really did it, but I just cannot believe a kid like him would do something like that. It really killed me how his lawyers kept talking about him in that way too, like saying he wasn't of average intelligence basically while he was right there. I'm sure it was a tactic and Brendan knew that, but poor thing. He isn't stupid. No one is stupid. I'M GETTING EMOTIONAL AGAIN!!!!!

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  7. I didn't like this series at all. In fact, I watched 3 episodes and turned it off. First of all, I think it was wayyy too long. I mean honestly, stretching something like that out is just annoying. Second, I think it was biased, which can sometimes happen with docuseries like that. I don't feel one way or the other about Steve Avery, but I just wasn't that interested in it!

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