This is what I imagine everyone is saying to me right now. If you follow me on Instagram (do it, make me feel special) then you know what I'm talking about. I'm pretty heavily (not too I hope) documenting about a new fitness journey that I've embarked on. (Never used the word "embarked" before, I like it.) But Instagram is more of a place for quick thoughts, and even though I post suuper long captions on there and try to explain the short story version, I'm still leaving a lot out so I thought I'd take it here to explain a little further.
Basically, I've decided to stop what I'm doing right now and get healthy. But it wasn't something that happened overnight, it didn't just come out of no where. It's been in the back of my mind for a while now, it's just easy to ignore. I don't have the money, or the resources, or it's too hard and a lot of "I should just learn to accept my body the way it is" excuses. But it always creeps back to me that I'm not happy this way, and that I can do something, and that I should.
I have no idea how, but about a year ago I found this girl on Instagram who was just SO incredibly positive and motivating and encouraging in regards to health and fitness and body image. She was honest and real and told stories (which I am all about) about her own journey in a way that was really genuine and raw and really just set such a good example of health and fitness and girl power and the encouragement that we can all do it. And she was a Beachbody coach. Which was the first I ever heard of it. I mean, I guess I had heard of P90x before, but I had no idea there was this whole company and lifestyle behind it. So anyways, I continued to follow her (and I started searching for others because I just love the messages) for literally a year. She has a blog that I read also, and website where you can buy Beachbody products. She promotes Shakeology a lot, which I won't even get into all this stuff today (but I will!) but I really wanted to try it, so one night I decided to try and buy a sample from her site. I ended up locking myself out of my Paypal account which I took as a sign that maybe it was a dumb idea, so I tried to forget about it. (Now I kind of see that as a sign that I should have just talked to her instead of being sneaky and just trying to just do it on my own.) So fast forward - she always puts herself out there on Instagram that anyone can comment or message her if they're interested in learning more, and every time she did I'd be like, "eh not today, but next time she posts..." and then finally one day something came over me and I messaged her (direct, so no one else could see lol) "a little bit interested" and gave her my email. Okay, I know I am talking about her a lot, but I just want you all to know how this business works. So she was on a cruise at the time and she emailed with me back and forth SIXTEEN times! Not even like short messages, like she took her time and really explained everything to me and I had to keep writing back "PLEASE don't answer me now, enjoy your vacation, but _____(insert whatever question I had). So long story short, she's my coach now and I'm starting with the 21 Day Fix program. Which I won't get all into today, but will for sure write a whole dedicated post about. (And, I might be doing more with this whole Beachbody thing later...but more to come on that.)
So now here's the why I'm doing this. I may look like I'm in decent health, and I definitely don't need to lose any weight, but I've had a really bad relationship with food and exercise for as long as I can remember. I posted this on Instagram, but I'll share it here as well so anyone who doesn't follow me over there can see what I mean.
This probably deserves a post of its own too, so maybe I'll do that someday, but I used to have an eating disorder. I've hinted at it here, but it's not ever really something I've talked about besides with my parents back when it was happening and sometimes with John now. Everyone knew, but no one talked about it then or brings it up now. (Again, I'll get into all the whys and hows and the whole story another day.) I was kind of combination bulimic/anorexic, mostly bulimic but I also took pills to suppress my appetite so I wouldn't eat. Anyways, that was me then on the left. Then about a year and a half later that's me on the right. Totally wild and carefree when it came to food. Once I gave up the eating disorder (it never totally left, I just got tired) then my mentality became like, "screw it" and I didn't care at all what I ate or what I looked like. I've always only had two speeds. Either I'm very careful about what I'm eating and how my body looks, or I do not care at all. For the past 8 years or so I've bounced back and forth between these two so I'm always abusing my body in one way or the other by either under eating or over eating. Earlier this year when we first moved here, I was in a funk and at home a lot and recklessly eating my feelings, and then once the scale affected that behavior I immediately made plans to cut back. And it's just been a cycle that's always bringing me back to a bad place. So a big part of this for me is learning HOW to eat right.
And if you know me in real life, or you've followed along here for a while you know I have a sugar problem. I repeatedly talk about it and how bad it is and how I want to stop. That one time I didn't eat sugar for a week was like the best I ever felt. And I tried to just continue on after that with a "cheat" here and there, but no. Just no, lol. It's real guys. I have no control. Bad day? Sugar. Don't want to deal with something that's nagging me? Sugar. In a good mood? Sugar? Want to treat myself for something I'm proud of? Sugar. I'm an emotional eater and I use sugar for all the feelings: good/bad, I can make up a million excuses to myself. And not only that, it's so addicting. (And I have slight addict tenancies..) Ever eat half a pan of brownies and then decide to cut the rest up into little squares to freeze for later in an attempt to not just eat them all right now, and then end up taking them out of the freezer to eat? Yeah...
And exercise is just like a joke. I've tried. I've quit. Tried again. Quit again. I Hate it. LOATE IT. (Which is why when I want to look good/lose a few/tighten up, I think removing food is the only solution.) Three times last year while we lived in Texas (I even know these dates - once was in January, once was in August, and once was in October) I went to the gym with all intentions of starting new habits and getting into a routine and dreams of a hot body (lol) and guess how many times I went to the gym? Three times. This year it hit me that I'm going to be 28 (!!) and this isn't going to get any easier, I have to do something now. I started going to the gym more, but I knew deep down that I couldn't do it on my own. It's hard right? I've always been the kind of person who has to follow a plan or do it with a group or have it basically laid out right in front of me or it's not happening. The last time I was on a scheduled daily work out routine was when I cheerleader in high school because it was all planed out for me. All I had to do was show up, give half an attempt (hated exercise even then) and I looked and felt better without even realizing it. So going to the gym out of my own free will was not something that was ever going to work for me. Again (how many times have I said "again" today lol), I'll get much more into it later, but this is something that will work for me for two reasons: because of the group support system (via..Facebook ..eating my words..) and because the workouts are all done at home and I have a set schedule to go off of. Still, it's kicking my ass so far and I had NO IDEA that I was as out of shape as I am. John was in the kitchen yesterday while I was doing my video and he was like, "you're stopping a lot..." Like, I have to take a million pauses to catch my breath and the neighbor can probably hear me panting, but I know it will get easier.
So besides explaining a little more about what I'm doing, I wanted to give fair warning and introduction that I'm definitely going to start talking about this more. I am just so passionate about it already. And to be honest, I have struggled a lot here trying to figure out what I want to talk about. I've said many times that I have no real theme, and while I am more than okay with that, I still want to contribute more than just stories about my husband and my dog and shit that I find funny. When I started this blog I imagined that I would talk a lot more about food because that's something that I love and that I'm passionate about, but I quickly realized that I was totally an amateur and there were soo many better blogs that talked about food, so I never tried. But guys, food is my jam. My favorite place is being in the kitchen. I said to someone recently, "I wish I could find a job that was grocery shopping and meal planning and cooking." And honestly it's kind of fun to remove sugar and all the processed foods and start from scratch. I like the challenge of it. Just this morning I made pancakes (my good old Bisquick went in the trash last week...sad face) with greek yogurt, eggs and coconut flour (and baking powder if you must know lol). And I just mashed strawberries into a syrup, and done. It's not THAT hard.
This is getting way longer than I intended today, so I'll wrap it up now. Basically, if you were wondering what the hell I am doing and why, there you have it. I want to eat better/ feel better/look better/be better. I've said it before, but figuring out the key to happiness is my middle name and this may be the most important part. And again (LOL) I will get more into all the other details and stories later on. And because I think that first picture might be deceiving (good angle), here's an outtake of the ones I had John take for me the night before I started.
^ Although also deceiving because I was laughing my face off, and if I have any resemblance of abs it's because I'm laughing at John 4,000 times a day. But seriously, I'm already happier and more focused than I've been in a while. I can't believe it took me over a year to reach out and ask for help, but I'm glad I finally did and I'm excited to see how far I can push myself. I have to believe I'm stronger than what I think.