Sunday, March 27, 2016

"Morgan, WTF are you doing?"


This is what I imagine everyone is saying to me right now. If you follow me on Instagram (do it, make me feel special) then you know what I'm talking about. I'm pretty heavily (not too I hope) documenting about a new fitness journey that I've embarked on. (Never used the word "embarked" before, I like it.) But Instagram is more of a place for quick thoughts, and even though I post suuper long captions on there and try to explain the short story version, I'm still leaving a lot out so I thought I'd take it here to explain a little further.

Basically, I've decided to stop what I'm doing right now and get healthy. But it wasn't something that happened overnight, it didn't just come out of no where. It's been in the back of my mind for a while now, it's just easy to ignore. I don't have the money, or the resources, or it's too hard and a lot of "I should just learn to accept my body the way it is" excuses. But it always creeps back to me that I'm not happy this way, and that I can do something, and that I should.

I have no idea how, but about a year ago I found this girl on Instagram who was just SO incredibly positive and motivating and encouraging in regards to health and fitness and body image. She was honest and real and told stories (which I am all about) about her own journey in a way that was really genuine and raw and really just set such a good example of health and fitness and girl power and the encouragement that we can all do it. And she was a Beachbody coach. Which was the first I ever heard of it. I mean, I guess I had heard of P90x before, but I had no idea there was this whole company and lifestyle behind it. So anyways, I continued to follow her (and I started searching for others because I just love the messages) for literally a year. She has a blog that I read also, and website where you can buy Beachbody products. She promotes Shakeology a lot, which I won't even get into all this stuff today (but I will!) but I really wanted to try it, so one night I decided to try and buy a sample from her site. I ended up locking myself out of my Paypal account which I took as a sign that maybe it was a dumb idea, so I tried to forget about it. (Now I kind of see that as a sign that I should have just talked to her instead of being sneaky and just trying to just do it on my own.) So fast forward - she always puts herself out there on Instagram that anyone can comment or message her if they're interested in learning more, and every time she did I'd be like, "eh not today, but next time she posts..." and then finally one day something came over me and I messaged her (direct, so no one else could see lol) "a little bit interested" and gave her my email. Okay, I know I am talking about her a lot, but I just want you all to know how this business works. So she was on a cruise at the time and she emailed with me back and forth SIXTEEN times! Not even like short messages, like she took her time and really explained everything to me and I had to keep writing back "PLEASE don't answer me now, enjoy your vacation, but _____(insert whatever question I had). So long story short, she's my coach now and I'm starting with the 21 Day Fix program. Which I won't get all into today, but will for sure write a whole dedicated post about. (And, I might be doing more with this whole Beachbody thing later...but more to come on that.)

So now here's the why I'm doing this. I may look like I'm in decent health, and I definitely don't need to lose any weight, but I've had a really bad relationship with food and exercise for as long as I can remember. I posted this on Instagram, but I'll share it here as well so anyone who doesn't follow me over there can see what I mean.


This probably deserves a post of its own too, so maybe I'll do that someday, but I used to have an eating disorder. I've hinted at it here, but it's not ever really something I've talked about besides with my parents back when it was happening and sometimes with John now. Everyone knew, but no one talked about it then or brings it up now. (Again, I'll get into all the whys and hows and the whole story another day.) I was kind of combination bulimic/anorexic, mostly bulimic but I also took pills to suppress my appetite so I wouldn't eat. Anyways, that was me then on the left. Then about a year and a half later that's me on the right. Totally wild and carefree when it came to food. Once I gave up the eating disorder (it never totally left, I just got tired) then my mentality became like, "screw it" and I didn't care at all what I ate or what I looked like. I've always only had two speeds. Either I'm very careful about what I'm eating and how my body looks, or I do not care at all. For the past 8 years or so I've bounced back and forth between these two so I'm always abusing my body in one way or the other by either under eating or over eating. Earlier this year when we first moved here, I was in a funk and at home a lot and recklessly eating my feelings, and then once the scale affected that behavior I immediately made plans to cut back. And it's just been a cycle that's always bringing me back to a bad place. So a big part of this for me is learning HOW to eat right.

And if you know me in real life, or you've followed along here for a while you know I have a sugar problem. I repeatedly talk about it and how bad it is and how I want to stop. That one time I didn't eat sugar for a week was like the best I ever felt. And I tried to just continue on after that with a "cheat" here and there, but no. Just no, lol. It's real guys. I have no control. Bad day? Sugar. Don't want to deal with something that's nagging me? Sugar. In a good mood? Sugar? Want to treat myself for something I'm proud of? Sugar. I'm an emotional eater and I use sugar for all the feelings: good/bad, I can make up a million excuses to myself. And not only that, it's so addicting. (And I have slight addict tenancies..) Ever eat half a pan of brownies and then decide to cut the rest up into little squares to freeze for later in an attempt to not just eat them all right now, and then end up taking them out of the freezer to eat? Yeah...

And exercise is just like a joke. I've tried. I've quit. Tried again. Quit again. I Hate it. LOATE IT. (Which is why when I want to look good/lose a few/tighten up, I think removing food is the only solution.) Three times last year while we lived in Texas (I even know these dates - once was in January, once was in August, and once was in October) I went to the gym with all intentions of starting new habits and getting into a routine and dreams of a hot body (lol) and guess how many times I went to the gym? Three times. This year it hit me that I'm going to be 28 (!!) and this isn't going to get any easier, I have to do something now. I started going to the gym more, but I knew deep down that I couldn't do it on my own. It's hard right? I've always been the kind of person who has to follow a plan or do it with a group or have it basically laid out right in front of me or it's not happening. The last time I was on a scheduled daily work out routine was when I cheerleader in high school because it was all planed out for me. All I had to do was show up, give half an attempt (hated exercise even then) and I looked and felt better without even realizing it. So going to the gym out of my own free will was not something that was ever going to work for me. Again (how many times have I said "again" today lol), I'll get much more into it later, but this is something that will work for me for two reasons: because of the group support system (via..Facebook ..eating my words..) and because the workouts are all done at home and I have a set schedule to go off of. Still, it's kicking my ass so far and I had NO IDEA that I was as out of shape as I am. John was in the kitchen yesterday while I was doing my video and he was like, "you're stopping a lot..." Like, I have to take a million pauses to catch my breath and the neighbor can probably hear me panting, but I know it will get easier.

So besides explaining a little more about what I'm doing, I wanted to give fair warning and introduction that I'm definitely going to start talking about this more. I am just so passionate about it already. And to be honest, I have struggled a lot here trying to figure out what I want to talk about. I've said many times that I have no real theme, and while I am more than okay with that, I still want to contribute more than just stories about my husband and my dog and shit that I find funny. When I started this blog I imagined that I would talk a lot more about food because that's something that I love and that I'm passionate about, but I quickly realized that I was totally an amateur and there were soo many better blogs that talked about food, so I never tried. But guys, food is my jam. My favorite place is being in the kitchen. I said to someone recently, "I wish I could find a job that was grocery shopping and meal planning and cooking." And honestly it's kind of fun to remove sugar and all the processed foods and start from scratch. I like the challenge of it. Just this morning I made pancakes (my good old Bisquick went in the trash last week...sad face) with greek yogurt, eggs and coconut flour (and baking powder if you must know lol). And I just mashed strawberries into a syrup, and done. It's not THAT hard.

This is getting way longer than I intended today, so I'll wrap it up now. Basically, if you were wondering what the hell I am doing and why, there you have it. I want to eat better/ feel better/look better/be better. I've said it before, but figuring out the key to happiness is my middle name and this may be the most important part. And again (LOL) I will get more into all the other details and stories later on. And because I think that first picture might be deceiving (good angle), here's an outtake of the ones I had John take for me the night before I started.


^ Although also deceiving because I was laughing my face off, and if I have any resemblance of abs it's because I'm laughing at John 4,000 times a day. But seriously, I'm already happier and more focused than I've been in a while. I can't believe it took me over a year to reach out and ask for help, but I'm glad I finally did and I'm excited to see how far I can push myself. I have to believe I'm stronger than what I think. 
 xx

17 comments:

  1. Go Morgan! Still following along...just silently apparently :). Excited to see how it goes for you! I am sure you will learn some interesting things about the food part along the way. I meal plan because #lazy, but this will be interesting to learn about for sure! I know like the bare minimum about 21 day fix, but I know you will break it down into real terms for me later on!

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    1. HELLO!!!!! Miss you. POST SOON!! But yeah, thanks for the support girl! I will definitely break it down more later. I had heard about it before (from others bloggers I think), but everyone likes it and it works for them for different reasons, so I'll get all into it later :) xxxxxxxxxx <--- hugs for baby too.

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  2. You go, Morgan! This is super exciting! Granted, I have no experience with Beachbody or 21 Day Fix or any of those programs, but I DO have a ton of experience (like 23+ years) of not knowing how to eat right and hating all forms of exercise. I found my fitness Jesus in running about 5 years ago, and even though I know running isn't for everyone, I do believe everyone can find their own fitness Jesus if they just keep looking. There are a million different ways to get fit out there and I truly believe there's something for everyone. I'm so happy to hear that you're already feeling physically better and better about yourself and (because I'm a fitness nerd) I can't wait to follow your progress!

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    1. "Fitness Jesus" I love that!!! I HATE to work out, and I always thought that since I didn't like running, there was no hope for me. But you're so right, there's something for everyone! I have a lot of friends who do cross-fit and I think it's amazing, but soooo not for me. I think it's just getting out there and trying something. Also, I love following you because you are a fitness nerd! I think the first post I read from you was about running and even though I hate running, I loved the message. Thanks for the comment girl!! Means so much.

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  3. You got this! Kicking sugar is SO hard because it seems like it is in everything. I really don't know much about the 21 Day Fix either so I'm interested to see how it all works & I'm excited for you! I'm the same way when it comes to the gym-- I have to be doing a class or have something planned out otherwise I have no motivation to go at all. Oh, and please please please share your pancake recipe! I found a recipe on Pinterest awhile ago & made it a few times without any problems. I've been trying to make it again lately & I'm completely failing somehow so I think I need a new one.

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    1. I love reading your posts about the classes you go to and how MUCH you go to the gym! It's funny, I'm like intrigued by working out and people who are fitness junkies (I don't know if that's a good work but that's what I'm going with lol) and it's because it's like the person I wish I could be. But I though since I hated working out, I could never be that person. I think it's totally just figuring out what works for us. And HOLY SUGAR! I know. It's crazy. I'm having honey here and there, but other than that, nada. It's just too addicting for me. So the pancakes I did were: 1 C. greek yogurt, 2 eggs, 5 T. coconut flour and 1 tsp. baking soda. It was the first time I've used coconut flour, and it get's a bit sticky, but it worked really well. I think I made like 6 pancakes on the larger side. And I just ate them with mashed berries. Still want to make protein bars or balls or whatever you were telling me about that one time!

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    2. *word, not work. *thought, not though. Gotta learn to re-read my comments before I post them lol.

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  4. For the record I think you look great, but I get it. I'm a naturally small person but I DO gain weight pretty easily these days. And on a 5'4" small frame, 5 lbs looks like a lot. I hate the feeling of carrying some extra lb's and not to mention, the way certain foods make me feel (i have a soft spot for chocolate and CARBS). i always hear great things about beach body/shakeology and people seem to love it & see great results. i think it's so great you're taking an initiative to be healthy and i'm sorry you dealt with those struggles when you were younger. keep up the good work!

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    1. Thanks so much. And YES chocolate and carbs. It's so hard. I got the chocolate Shakeology and it's been hitting my chocolate spot, but...of course it's never going to the same. There's always going to be something tempting me, but I'm trying to see how much control I have. It's hard. But yeah totally, like I'm 5'2 so I've always been so aware of a pound or two. The reason I think I got to this point was because when we first moved here I was sad and eating, eating, eating and I gained like 6 pounds (which is a lot for a shortie). And then I started freaking out and not eating, not eating. And I was like, STOP IT MORGAN. I'm just done with it. But seriously, thanks for the encouragement, you're such a sweet friend. xxxx

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  5. You go, girl! I can't wait to follow along on this journey and will totally use this as motivation for myself come June! Because I'm going to need all the help I can get #sugaraddictsunite ;)

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    1. Lol uh, it's so hard right! Hopefully this works for me so if you want to get you booty kicked (like mine right now lol) then you can do it this summer too!

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  6. okay! first off. i won't get a notification if you respond here, so if you want to respond... email me :)
    but! you know i am super happy for you and proud even though you don't need my pride! you're awesome and you're gonna do great. good for you for doing it for your health.
    i had an eating disorder as well. pretty much same as you, i didn't eat, but when i did, i threw up. i was much, much younger though, early teens. i ended up in hospital and shit, so it got serious. then when i got 'better' i ate everything in sight and gained like 50lbs (i think, i obviously went in kg back then and i don't remember haha). then i decided i wanted to get healthy, so i stopped eating and started working out. made myself sick again, ate all the things again, made myself sick again, ate all the things... etc etc. like you said, i only have 2 speeds. i am much, much, much better than i was back then or even 5 years ago. i am like 70% better. i still think to myself sometimes that if i just stopped eating for a couple of weeks, it would give me the kickstart i need. but then, i think about how bad it is for my body - especially now, at 29. my body isn't going to jump back like it did when i was 15 or 21. i want to live for a long time and the only way to do that is to not kill my body by starving myself and shutting it down. but, i don't need to eat all the things either, because obviously that's not healthy either. anyway. so i am definitely working on this as well, one meal at a time.
    i guess i just wanted to say that yay! good job girl. you can absolutely do this, and posting on IG/blog and having your beachbody coach is a fabulous way to stay accountable and motivated. it's so much more than weight loss, you need to get your mind in the right spot and be healthy, not skinny.
    i feel you on hating exercise - i hated it years ago, but i made myself like it. it sounds stupid and impossible, but you can find something you love, or at least don't hate and turn it into love. i hated water when i started drinking it like 10 years ago (like when i tried to drink more, not like it was my first water ever) but i kept drinking it, and now i love water (plain, i don't add anything lol). you can make yourself like something you used to hate. especially when you see results and know the benefits.
    i am a sugar addict (addict personality as well over here!) as well. i went 4 days yesterday with no candy or chocolate or chips, but then ate it all on fri-sun. i was good yesterday and today (although i had some baileys last night, oops) but i would love to get to a week of no sugar, or at least no sweets.
    anyway i am rambling now. you can totally do this! seriously. you can. good luck!

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    1. I'm emailing you so I hope you get this! I never know if anyone actually get's my comment responses, I try to always do them right from my email.

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  7. This is awesome and you sound super super motivated and ready to do this full speed!!! My cousin is a beach body coach and I've never done the workouts but she gave me samples of the shakeology once and it was so yummy!! I just wish it wasn't like $90 a bottle or I'd drink it 5 times a day! haha but seriously I'm so oblivious, you've hinted at stuff but i wouldn't have guessed you had ever had an eating disorder ever!! Either way tho, I'm REALLY glad it wasn't super bad and you were never in the hospital for it or did too much damage to yourself or something. And I bet it feels kinda nice to say it out loud now because it's now your past and you moved past it and you are an awesome example to everyone!! Like especially anyone who went through an eating disorder or maybe someone is now and then they read your blog and they change their ways because you inspired them! K sorry I'm ranting about that, I just never new and I really respect that you shared that on your blog and shared how you're doing so awesome now/ there is a way to be healthy and look good, too! After this baby is out, I'll be re-reading these posts because I've never had an eating disorder necessarily but I do kind of obsess over "trying" to be healthy and stay fit (even though I've never had like a 6 pack or something) like food stresses me out and I get anxiety if I eat too bad in one day or something. So yeah basically document everything please!!! K ill stop ranting.

    xo C

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    1. Aw, Candace you're the sweetest. It's been hard to talk about, which is why I never brought it up (like ever) before but I'm just okay with it now I guess. And it's my biggest 'why' I'm doing this. I know I'm stronger than that, and I can do this the right way now. It was bad, but I never hospitalized or anything serious like that. It did get hard on my heart..which is why I had to totally stop. But then I just turned to under-eating which is bad too. So the 21dayfix comes with these containers that help you plan out a meal plan for the day and I am like learning so much about how much I should be eating every day and of what. Like I have never ate as much protein as I should. Or if I had vegetables once a day I thought that was good enough. I'm learning that if I eat the RIGHT foods I'll stay full. It's crazy. But yeah, shakeology is amaze. Trust me...the price scared me off for a long time too. But I'm afraid I'm obsessed now lol....

      Once you all (all 100 of you bloggers) have your babes, you can all join me! Although having a baby might be exercise enough lol.

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  8. We are the same person. Literally the more I stalk (hope that's not too creepy) and the more I learn, I am finding out that we share a lot of the same body image driven food issues, history of eating disorder, etc. I am so proud of you! Just remember that every single day is a new day!

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    1. When I first found your blog I read a little about your food/body image issues and I remember commenting like "I have a story to tell...someday" because I wasn't sure if I would ever be able to admit like...I had an eating disorder. But it's really been freeing almost to finally talk about it. And figuring out how to live with all those demons is going to be a life long thing. I don't know, it just helps me to put it all out there sometimes. AND connecting with other people who get it makes me feel a million times better. SO STALK AWAY! lol!

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