Please everyone take a few moments to laugh at this before I go on.....
So. Yeah. Lol. That's me in high school. This is from my Senior yearbook. I blocked out the other kids face in case he's just as embarrassed as I am. (Kidding, I just thought I'd be polite.) This is a post I've been thinking over in my head forever, and then when I found out last week that it was TEN YEARS since I graduated high school, I figured now was the time. This post isn't so much about why I'm not a fashion blogger, but more about why I don't give a SHIT about being cool anymore. Morgan from ten years ago cared SO MUCH about being cool. Like, it was literally all that mattered in the world to me. Which makes me a bit sick now. I talk all the time to John about how I'm going to tell our kids from the day they are born not to worry about being cool. There's literally nothing LESS important in life. Of course I know that now, I didn't in that picture.
But let's pause first and take a minute to talk about that outfit, lol. Because I'M SURE everyone MUST know where it's from. So let me start at the top. First of all, not my real hair. I'm wearing long blond hair extensions. (Not that there's anything wrong with extensions, but GOD you couldn't pay me now to go through that trouble.) Then resting on my head...because this only makes sense for an indoor picture, are Burberry sunglasses that I had to have even though I already had about four other pairs of very expensive designer sunglasses that I definitely could not afford. Then...and this is the best part, I have on a baby boy Lacoste t-shirt that was purchased at the local Salvation Army. And underneath that, a Hollister polo from my job at Hollister that I really didn't have time for so I would skip 6th hour anytime I had to work. (Priorities.) Then we come to the double belt situation...something I was really proud of. I basically invented the twisted belt trend. (That no one else did except for me, lol.) Then I'm wearing some kind of very expensive jeans that again, I could not afford, so I spent my entire paycheck from my job (not the one at Hollister, I had TWO jobs to support my clothing habits) at the local boutique in town. And then I went with Ugg boots. This picture was taken in May. NOT Ugg season. But HAD TO WEAR THEM BECAUSE THEY WERE EVERYTHING IN 2006.
Ugh. What makes me really sick though is that I was proud of this? Like REALLY proud of it. This meant something to me back then. If you asked me then would I rather pass with good grades that year or win best dressed for the yearbook I would have no question taken best dressed. (Which is basically true because for anyone who doesn't know, I did barely pass high school.) This confirmed to me that I was "cool." And I was proud of being "cool." (Ew ew ew ew ew, the word.)
I'm not sure when it was that I started to get into "fashion" but I can remember as early as Elementary school being very interested in picking out my own clothes. In first grade I remember wearing tights and ripped jean shorts in the winter...and then being very excited when someone else copied me and did it too. I also remember wearing a leotard as a shirt more than once. Which is a bit inappropriate, no? (Or wait, is that cool now? Lol.) I don't know. Point is, I remember being really excited about putting different sort of outfits together. Then came middle school when Abercrombie WAS LIFE and then all I wanted was ALL THE ABERCROMBIE. For Christmas one year I told my Mom all I wanted was Abercrombie clothes. (I even had Abercrombie underwear...) I think that was when I realized that clothes were cool. There was a status in having the "right" clothes. That it was something that made someone "special" or "looked up to" or "cool." I don't know how to explain it, but I'm sure you get it. And that became me. I don't know if I aimed for it...or if I just realized it happened, but I became known for how I dressed. This makes me cringe a bit to write, because now that I have FB a lot of people have found out about this blog, so people I went to high school with may read this...but I need to vent it out. I have needed to for a while. And oh yeah - I don't give a shit anymore, lol.
(^ Here's one more from the yearbook for fun. That is a rosary around my neck. A rosary. I am not Catholic. Or even technically religious. Is that totally inappropriate or what? I have no idea how I thought of that. And single belt this time, but I am wearing a long sleeve with a tank top over it, lol? PS- that's my sister!)
So by high school, my whole identity was what I was wearing. I bought all the fashion magazines. Worked two jobs at clothing stores. I had like ten juicy suits. I remember going on spring break and getting a new swim suit for every day. I had True fucking Religions at 17. (If you don't know, those are like $200 jeans.) But it wasn't ALL to be cool. I really did enjoy it too. I remember going to my senior party and wearing designer everything and then a plastic Little Mermaid necklace I had gotten from Party City, lol. I LOVED the creative aspect of it. I loved putting things together. I loved mixing in vintage necklaces and my Moms old sweatshirts with my expensive newer pieces. It wasn't all bad in that sense. It's kind of like writing for me now, it was an outlet for expression. But the thing is, I was trying so hard. So hard. I was obsessive about it. And fashion and trying to be the best is really hard to keep up with. I wanted new things all the time. It was never enough. Trends, brands, even the feelings associated with having things or being "cool" are fleeting. It's a never ending game. There will always be someone or something better. It's a huge game of wanting, wanting, wanting. By the time you get that "thing" you're already too late, and there's something else you want want want. Being the most fashionable, best dressed person is a moving target. You'll never catch up because the minute you think you've got it, you're behind again. And where does that leave you? Feeling like shit probably, lol.
And that's why I don't fashion blog.
But that's not what this is really all about. It's about getting over material things because they don't really matter. You guys ever hear that quote, "no one is going to stand up at your funeral and talk about how you had a really expensive couch and a big diamond ring." Think about that. None of it really matters. When you strip it all away, what's left? Just us right? I hid behind my clothes for a long time. I let them be my voice because I was too scared to speak and say "I'm different" which is what I think I was really trying to say. But I got caught up in the coolness factor and it became something else. I did and still do have sort of a problem figuring out who I am. Who I want to be. And it's especially hard in high school to find your place. So once I found mine, it became the most important thing in the world to me. I was never going to be the girl that was voted for homecoming or prom queen like my friends, because I wasn't that pretty (not looking for reassurance or anything, I just had some hot friends) and I wasn't that smart, but I was fine with it because I had this. I felt important because of this. But as much as I thought it made me feel "good" about myself. It really didn't.
^ Another reason I'm not a fashion blogger, lol. I did this face on purpose.
^ And again, hahaha. I don't entertain the camera. (That black t-shirt says "HUMMER" lol. It was my little brothers...apparently I had a thing for little boy shirts?)
And now I'm jumping ahead to after high school, but it took getting into a lot of debt to realize that none of it mattered. It was almost good though because I had to rediscover myself without that part of me. (Was I the only one who thought credit meant...free lol?) Once I had to stop shopping, I had to sort of force myself to stop caring. And once I stopped caring about what I was wearing, I stopped caring so much about what anyone else thought of me. And when you take out everyone else, you're sort of forced to start focusing on what YOU think of YOU. Which is a hell of a lot harder and more complicated than just putting cool clothes on and being like, "hey everyone likes me so I must like me." I had to learn what it was that I really liked about me. If that makes sense...
Do I still like fashion? OF COURSE. I think I still have a good eye for it, although now I'm much more...reserved, lol. I still like nice things, I can't help it. But I'm not letting them define who I am anymore. I'm still learning to be okay with wearing the same thing twice. (A NEVER for high school me.) I still sometimes find myself admiring people for the things they have. I still make notes in my phone of "things I want." I still obsess over what I don't have sometimes, but then I remember that it doesn't matter. I'm still me regardless of what I have or what I'm wearing so I try to focus more on that.
So I don't fashion blog because what I'm wearing doesn't matter. (Also, because I'm not a billionaire. And because I wear a v-neck every day. And because of my face, lol.) It's a contest I don't want to be a part of. I have more important things to work on. Like what's underneath the clothes. (NOT a fitness joke, lol, but like...I'm a person with a brain and a soul that deserves more attention. You know?)
Seriously though, ten years? Where did the time go? Anyone else in that boat this year? When I think about it for too long I start to get angry like, "did I really just waste the past ten years? I have no degree, no babies, nothing to really show what I've been doing." But then part of me can look at this and know that I've done something for myself. I grew up. A lot. (Although A LOT of that had to do with moving away too. Another ramble for another day.) And that's really what being in our twenties is all about right? Getting to know ourselves? Working on ourselves? Being totally selfish like that? (Unless you have babies, then good for you. I'm jealous you were ready and I'm not.) Honestly, it's a big part of the reason I got into fitness and health this year. It's another step in my "growing up" journey. And the realization that I have two years until 30 and who do I want to be going into that chapter of my life? Not that we all change after 29 or anything like that. We will all be different people in different places, just like we are now. But I've got goals (read babes) for my thirties, and part of that is loving myself unconditionally from the inside out, not caring about what anyone else thinks and reminding myself that I'm smart. That's something I tell myself every day now. (Even though yeah, I do still make fun of myself a lot. Bad habits don't just die.)
But, I'm smart.
Something I should have been telling myself every day at 18 because I was so much more than just this page in the yearbook, I just didn't see it yet. But that's part of growing up right? If we all stayed the person we were in high school...life would suck, lol. Right? It's just weird. The whole growing up thing. I'm sure I'll read this back in another ten years and have a lot more to say, but that's life. We grow. One, five, ten years at a time.