Thursday, June 16, 2016

Why I'm not a fashion blogger.


Please everyone take a few moments to laugh at this before I go on.....

So. Yeah. Lol. That's me in high school. This is from my Senior yearbook. I blocked out the other kids face in case he's just as embarrassed as I am. (Kidding, I just thought I'd be polite.) This is a post I've been thinking over in my head forever, and then when I found out last week that it was TEN YEARS since I graduated high school, I figured now was the time. This post isn't so much about why I'm not a fashion blogger, but more about why I don't give a SHIT about being cool anymore. Morgan from ten years ago cared SO MUCH about being cool. Like, it was literally all that mattered in the world to me. Which makes me a bit sick now. I talk all the time to John about how I'm going to tell our kids from the day they are born not to worry about being cool. There's literally nothing LESS important in life. Of course I know that now, I didn't in that picture.

But let's pause first and take a minute to talk about that outfit, lol. Because I'M SURE everyone MUST know where it's from. So let me start at the top. First of all, not my real hair. I'm wearing long blond hair extensions. (Not that there's anything wrong with extensions, but GOD you couldn't pay me now to go through that trouble.) Then resting on my head...because this only makes sense for an indoor picture, are Burberry sunglasses that I had to have even though I already had about four other pairs of very expensive designer sunglasses that I definitely could not afford. Then...and this is the best part, I have on a baby boy Lacoste t-shirt that was purchased at the local Salvation Army. And underneath that, a Hollister polo from my job at Hollister that I really didn't have time for so I would skip 6th hour anytime I had to work. (Priorities.) Then we come to the double belt situation...something I was really proud of. I basically invented the twisted belt trend. (That no one else did except for me, lol.) Then I'm wearing some kind of very expensive jeans that again, I could not afford, so I spent my entire paycheck from my job (not the one at Hollister, I had TWO jobs to support my clothing habits) at the local boutique in town. And then I went with Ugg boots. This picture was taken in May. NOT Ugg season. But HAD TO WEAR THEM BECAUSE THEY WERE EVERYTHING IN 2006. 

Ugh. What makes me really sick though is that I was proud of this? Like REALLY proud of it. This meant something to me back then. If you asked me then would I rather pass with good grades that year or win best dressed for the yearbook I would have no question taken best dressed. (Which is basically true because for anyone who doesn't know, I did barely pass high school.) This confirmed to me that I was "cool." And I was proud of being "cool." (Ew ew ew ew ew, the word.)

I'm not sure when it was that I started to get into "fashion" but I can remember as early as Elementary school being very interested in picking out my own clothes. In first grade I remember wearing tights and ripped jean shorts in the winter...and then being very excited when someone else copied me and did it too. I also remember wearing a leotard as a shirt more than once. Which is a bit inappropriate, no? (Or wait, is that cool now? Lol.) I don't know. Point is, I remember being really excited about putting different sort of outfits together. Then came middle school when Abercrombie WAS LIFE and then all I wanted was ALL THE ABERCROMBIE. For Christmas one year I told my Mom all I wanted was Abercrombie clothes. (I even had Abercrombie underwear...) I think that was when I realized that clothes were cool. There was a status in having the "right" clothes. That it was something that made someone "special" or "looked up to" or "cool."  I don't know how to explain it, but I'm sure you get it. And that became me. I don't know if I aimed for it...or if I just realized it happened, but I became known for how I dressed. This makes me cringe a bit to write, because now that I have FB a lot of people have found out about this blog, so people I went to high school with may read this...but I need to vent it out. I have needed to for a while. And oh yeah - I don't give a shit anymore, lol. 


(^ Here's one more from the yearbook for fun. That is a rosary around my neck. A rosary. I am not Catholic. Or even technically religious. Is that totally inappropriate or what? I have no idea how I thought of that. And single belt this time, but I am wearing a long sleeve with a tank top over it, lol? PS- that's my sister!) 

So by high school, my whole identity was what I was wearing. I bought all the fashion magazines. Worked two jobs at clothing stores. I had like ten juicy suits. I remember going on spring break and getting a new swim suit for every day. I had True fucking Religions at 17. (If you don't know, those are like $200 jeans.) But it wasn't ALL to be cool. I really did enjoy it too. I remember going to my senior party and wearing designer everything and then a plastic Little Mermaid necklace I had gotten from Party City, lol. I LOVED the creative aspect of it. I loved putting things together. I loved mixing in vintage necklaces and my Moms old sweatshirts with my expensive newer pieces. It wasn't all bad in that sense. It's kind of like writing for me now, it was an outlet for expression. But the thing is, I was trying so hard. So hard. I was obsessive about it. And fashion and trying to be the best is really hard to keep up with. I wanted new things all the time. It was never enough. Trends, brands, even the feelings associated with having things or being "cool" are fleeting. It's a never ending game. There will always be someone or something better. It's a huge game of wanting, wanting, wanting. By the time you get that "thing" you're already too late, and there's something else you want want want. Being the most fashionable, best dressed person is a moving target. You'll never catch up because the minute you think you've got it, you're behind again. And where does that leave you? Feeling like shit probably, lol. 

And that's why I don't fashion blog.

But that's not what this is really all about. It's about getting over material things because they don't really matter. You guys ever hear that quote, "no one is going to stand up at your funeral and talk about how you had a really expensive couch and a big diamond ring." Think about that. None of it really matters. When you strip it all away, what's left? Just us right? I hid behind my clothes for a long time. I let them be my voice because I was too scared to speak and say "I'm different" which is what I think I was really trying to say. But I got caught up in the coolness factor and it became something else. I did and still do have sort of a problem figuring out who I am. Who I want to be. And it's especially hard in high school to find your place. So once I found mine, it became the most important thing in the world to me. I was never going to be the girl that was voted for homecoming or prom queen like my friends, because I wasn't that pretty (not looking for reassurance or anything, I just had some hot friends) and I wasn't that smart, but I was fine with it because I had this. I felt important because of this. But as much as I thought it made me feel "good" about myself. It really didn't. 


^ Another reason I'm not a fashion blogger, lol. I did this face on purpose. 


^ And again, hahaha. I don't entertain the camera. (That black t-shirt says "HUMMER" lol. It was my little brothers...apparently I had a thing for little boy shirts?)

And now I'm jumping ahead to after high school, but it took getting into a lot of debt to realize that none of it mattered. It was almost good though because I had to rediscover myself without that part of me. (Was I the only one who thought credit meant...free lol?) Once I had to stop shopping, I had to sort of force myself to stop caring. And once I stopped caring about what I was wearing, I stopped caring so much about what anyone else thought of me. And when you take out everyone else, you're sort of forced to start focusing on what YOU think of YOU. Which is a hell of a lot harder and more complicated than just putting cool clothes on and being like, "hey everyone likes me so I must like me." I had to learn what it was that I really liked about me. If that makes sense...

Do I still like fashion? OF COURSE. I think I still have a good eye for it, although now I'm much more...reserved, lol. I still like nice things, I can't help it. But I'm not letting them define who I am anymore. I'm still learning to be okay with wearing the same thing twice. (A NEVER for high school me.) I still sometimes find myself admiring people for the things they have. I still make notes in my phone of "things I want." I still obsess over what I don't have sometimes, but then I remember that it doesn't matter. I'm still me regardless of what I have or what I'm wearing so I try to focus more on that. 

So I don't fashion blog because what I'm wearing doesn't matter. (Also, because I'm not a billionaire. And because I wear a v-neck every day. And because of my face, lol.) It's a contest I don't want to be a part of. I have more important things to work on. Like what's underneath the clothes. (NOT a fitness joke, lol, but like...I'm a person with a brain and a soul that deserves more attention. You know?)

Seriously though, ten years? Where did the time go? Anyone else in that boat this year? When I think about it for too long I start to get angry like, "did I really just waste the past ten years? I have no degree, no babies, nothing to really show what I've been doing." But then part of me can look at this and know that I've done something for myself. I grew up. A lot. (Although A LOT of that had to do with moving away too. Another ramble for another day.) And that's really what being in our twenties is all about right? Getting to know ourselves? Working on ourselves? Being totally selfish like that? (Unless you have babies, then good for you. I'm jealous you were ready and I'm not.) Honestly, it's a big part of the reason I got into fitness and health this year. It's another step in my "growing up" journey. And the realization that I have two years until 30 and who do I want to be going into that chapter of my life? Not that we all change after 29 or anything like that. We will all be different people in different places, just like we are now. But I've got goals (read babes) for my thirties, and part of that is loving myself unconditionally from the inside out, not caring about what anyone else thinks and reminding myself that I'm smart. That's something I tell myself every day now. (Even though yeah, I do still make fun of myself a lot. Bad habits don't just die.)

But, I'm smart.

Something I should have been telling myself every day at 18 because I was so much more than just this page in the yearbook, I just didn't see it yet. But that's part of growing up right? If we all stayed the person we were in high school...life would suck, lol. Right? It's just weird. The whole growing up thing. I'm sure I'll read this back in another ten years and have a lot more to say, but that's life. We grow. One, five, ten years at a time.

xx

15 comments:

  1. I love all of these throw back pics!! You've been keeping this secret from us!! haha and you still dress super cute so I have no idea what you're talking about. :) That is 1000000% why I shop sales and find cheap stores because there is no way I could ever feel ok buying $200 jeans (even though in HS I dreamed of owning true religions haha I bought a pair of rock n republics at a second had store once for $50 and I was so proud of myself)

    K also you are so smart!! I sometimes feel like that too, like everyone younger than me already is in grad school and being so successful and I'm like "I have my associates!!!" and I have to remind myself that I'm smart even if I didn't go to 24423 years of school. I always feel like people judge me for having a business and think I'm not successful (I dunno why, for some reason I think this way and it's dumb!) I think it's so awesome (and important!) how passionate you are about fitness and health! Like that's my goal when baby is out (excuses...) but like when I can actually get into real shape. SO keep inspiring me please :)

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    1. YOU are so successful!! Stoppp that! I wish I was you lol! But it is hard not to look at everyone else and feel like they did a million x more. But yeah, clothes are expensive. I have a problem in that I still like really nice things...but I neeever buy anything not on sale anymore. I used to think it was SO EMBARRASSING to like use a coupon haha, I am way over that now. I seriously love how you dress. I always want to know where you get things. AND OMG I can't wait to see your baby girl clothes. You shared some of her headbands on snapchat and I died lol.

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  2. Oh my gosh I would've KILLED to get best dressed in HS! But I definitely wasn't cool enough. I was super spoiled and would go on big shopping trips (that my mom paid for) and I had nice clothes, but again, not cool enough. Hahaha. But I feel the same way.

    I mean obviously I'm super into clothes and would post outfits sometimes if I had a nice camera and someone to take pictures (and if I could train myself to pose) but eventually I'd run out of posts because I would feature all my clothes in like ten posts and be done hahaha.

    BUT I wear clothes I like because I feel good in them, and I don't care if other people think I look stupid. In high school, people not liking my clothes would've been the worst. But now, I'm like, if I like it, I don't care who else does!

    Let me know when you figure out how to find yourself because I feel like I'm having a quarter-life crisis with what I want to do when I "grow up" hahaha.

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    1. HAHAHA you are?!?! You seem like you've got your life together already! I don't think I will ever know what I'm doing. I'll probably be 99 years old and be lost still. I mean hopefully not, but I just am so confused on what the purpose of life is I guess, lol. I'm crazy. I was suuuper spoiled too and that's what got me into that mess lol, my Mom bought me everything. I just cannot even read fashion blogs because...it gets me thinking I need everything and I don't!!

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  3. Hey Morgan,

    So sorry for the slacking on commenting as of late. I have been following along still and loving your posts like always! The other day I had wrote a whole comment and then it never got posted, I don't know what happened, and I was too tired and annoyed to rewrite it so....that's my excuse :)

    Anyways, glad you made it safely to Texas (your story about driving/parking the truck made me laugh; I've had similar issues at parking lots) and I'm jealous of the last couple weeks you've been having! Looks like fun to me.

    As for this post, I'm turning 30 in one month so was definitely nodding along to a lot that you said here. I have started noticing that I don't care as much either about what people think. I am also more "choosy" as to who I spend my time with - I said to a coworker recently that this was the "year of no." Days fly by, so why spend some of that precious time doing crap you don't want to do, or spending it with people you don't want to - but feel you need to? I recently got an invite to go to a shower and I HATE showers and thought, nope, I'm not going. So simply RSVP'd that "Thanks but I will not be able to attend." LOL. I am appreciating the times I have with those I love more now, too. I'm definitely glad highschool is over but sometimes I get freaked out that am I doing what I should be doing? On the path I am supposed to be on? Naive me in highschool thought I'd have it all figured out by now...LOL

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    1. "Year of no" that's awesome! That's a word I could use some practice with haha. I love that story about the shower lol. I usually freak out and feel guilty and like everyone's going to hate me but I think it's something I'll eventually get over. (I had to say no to going to something recently and I let it bother me for like a week lol.) Taking care of ourselves is what's important.

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  4. listen i love fashion and yet i find pics from HS/college where i just looked FOOLISH. trends change and sometimes really crazy trends that are cool at the time end up looking absurd years later! i think you looked cute back then! (OK the rosaries around your neck are weird though - lol)

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    1. HAHAH yes weird right?! What the F. I don't think I really had any idea what that meant though. It's pretty offensive I'm surprised no one said anything lol. OH WELL, you're right we all looked a bit crazy! I'm just very glad I grew up a bit. At least I think I have lol......

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  5. We all do grow - in different ways, different paths - every year, every decade. Just enjoy it all :) Its what makes you - in your OWN fashionable way ;)

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  6. Awww you're so sweet, thank you! I really do love growing up, it's the looking back that I hate lol. But it's all part of the process, there's no going forward without it.

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  7. Ok but my favorite thing is the photo effects on the yearbook picture making you blurry around the edges 🙈. I had a binder in high school where I wrote down what I wore everyday so I wouldn't wear the same things too often. My BFF (who is still my BFF) made me an upgraded version for my 16th birthday that had legit excel spreadsheets for pages. So there's that.

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    1. OH MY GOD hahaha! That's awesome lol! I didn't usually run into that problem because I kept buying new things all the time...ugh dumb. I do remember though like wearing the same jeans all the time was bad, and now I will wear the same fricking pair of jeans ten days in a row lol. AND not wash them lol. Kids. Oh and I didn't even mention this yearbook page is so weird, the theme was a "magazine" so everything was supposed to look like an ad...so this was about laundry detergent I guess lol. (Also I was in yearbook so I should know this...but I probably failed. Or close to failed...not funny.)

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  8. Yesss, i totally remember the double polo thing being a thing- though wearing the baby boy shirt on top is classic, haha! I wore ugg boots in some of my senior pictures (NOT taken in winter) and am just like whaaat was I thinking? haha. But really I love this post and can relate so much to your thoughts on highschool and caring way too much about the wrong things or having the perfect outward appearance. And this is 10 years from graduating high school for me too and I'm with you on having no idea what I want to do with my life either, but you're so right that we learn as we grow and the older I get the more I realize it's okay not to have everything figured out.

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    1. YES! It's OKAY! We're figuring it out! I bet even the people I think have it all "figured out" have no idea, they just make it look good lol. Ugg boots...I finally threw away my last pair like two years ago and I still sometimes sort of miss them. They were just so comfortable lol. I was a freaaak about uggs. I had like baby blue ones, black ones, ORANGE ones lol??! Dumb.

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  9. Boat shoes are best accompanied by bare ankles. So choose your lowers according to that. Cargo Capri pants, skinny jeans are wise options as long as you can show off your bare ankles.
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