(Alternately titled, "WARNING: here's a thousand pictures of pee tests.")
So long time, no blog huh? I initially put my blog over to private so I could update it a bit...and then I found out I was PREGNANT (still so weird to say that) and then there was no way I was going to be able to post at all about anything else. (Not that I was posting much before that, but so about to change. #INSPIRED.) It's literally taken over my entire mind, and my life and my body, haha. So it feels SO GOOD to finally be able to talk about it. I understand why people wait until twelve weeks to make the big "announcement," but that is just not for me. I would have told weeks ago if John were up for it. (He likes his privacy.) It's almost like it wasn't real because I couldn't talk about it. Like a weird little secret I had, like an imaginary friend or something, haha. But it is very, very real! And getting realer every single day! (I don't care if realer's not a word. Go with it.)
But let me back it up and tell the long story. Like, how did this happen!???! Haha, kidding. We all know how it happened, and my parents read this so not going into detail...but I'm sure it was not only a surprise to them, and to us, but to everyone. Our plan was always, "when we turn 30..." And that seemed pretty good. Close enough and at an age where we'd still be young, but far enough away that it was always just something we talked about. Like an "idea." Although truth be told, I used to cry every single time someone announced a pregnancy (guarantee most of you blog friends, you made me cry lol) because it made me sad we weren't "there" yet. I used to wonder why everyone else was "ready" and I wasn't. (Found out the secret to that one, it's that YOU'RE NEVER READY.) So, needless to say, this was sort of a surprise to us. But not really. We never had "the talk" where we were like, "okay we're ready now. Let's do it." But we also sort of just let it happen. Not to get all TMI, but we've always been very careful up until recently. I haven't been on birth control for years (I thought it was contributing to my acne) but we were VERY careful. I joked to some friends last summer that we could never get pregnant by accident because John just wouldn't let that happen. And then we moved here this summer, and maybe it's because we're staying put and life is getting normal, but we started being less careful. And at first I joked to John, "it's fine, I really don't think God would give us a baby right now" and he'd agree. But then August came and...no period. LOL. I took a test two days after my missed period date (I'm very consistent), and normally I wouldn't have rushed to take a test, especially because I felt perfectly normal, but I had a dermatologist appointment that day and up until that day I had been taking a certain medication that I knew wasn't suggested while pregnant. So to be safe, I bought a test the night before and told John I'd take it in the morning. I think I thought there was like, a 20% chance I was because like I said, I felt COMPLETELY NORMAL. (And I'm sure John thought it was 0%, lol.)
I always (used to..) get so nervous buying pregnancy tests, lol. So I didn't NEED any of this other stuff, but I had to fill my basket, haha.
So fast forward to early that morning, I knew I should take it first thing so it'd be most accurate, but around 4AM I really, really had to pee and couldn't wait, so I got up and took the test pretty much with eyes closed. And I didn't know if I was just half asleep or what, but it looked like there was a VERY faint second line. So I stared at it (still sitting on the toilet) for what felt like ever, with my hand clutched over my heart because it started beating so fast. And eventually I moved onto the floor where I continued to just stare at it some more, haha. And I knew. It was so barely there, but it was there. And I knew enough to know that meant something. (Or so I thought, but I was very, very not awake still.) So eventually I got back into bed, but of course I couldn't sleep after that. My mind was just racing. I think I got up like two or three more times to go check it because I kept thinking, "wait...was that line really there??" So then John's alarm goes off around 5:45AM, and he snoozes, so I snuck back into the bathroom to take another test before he woke up...
And this time the line was barely there again, but it was there just a tiny bit darker. You can see here (or not, lol) that first test - on the top, the line was barely, barely there. But the second test -bottom, is also barely there, but you can definitely see it! So I really didn't know what to do. I was trying to decide if I wanted to freak John out before he went to work or tell him later, but I knew if I didn't tell him, I'd just be texting him within an hour about it anyways because I can't keep anything in. So I very calmly was like, "hey can you come here and look at something?" And he goes, "are you pregnant." And I went, "I don't know." (Haha.) So he takes a look at them and goes, "I don't see anything." (HAHA.) And I was like, "yeah I don't know...."
So he goes to work. And immediately I'm on the internet, googling things like, "really faint line on pregnancy test." Because, I still had that dermatologist appointment later that day and I didn't know if I should cancel it or not. OH, and this was the day Ted was going to get neutered, so I had that going on too. But I think it was good in a way because all of a sudden, I wasn't really worried or sad for Ted, haha. (Not to be mean...but my mind was just elsewhere.) SO, according to the internet, false positives are very rare, so I knew deep down that this was probably for real. So I went out...again...to get some more tests. But this time I got one of those digital tests that either say "pregnant" or "not pregnant." So I went home and took that one mid-morning. And it said to wait three minutes. So I left it on the floor in the bathroom, went into the kitchen and set a timer because I didn't want to just stare at it for three minutes. AND when I came back...."not pregnant." So I texted a picture to John and he went, "see? All good." (HAHAHAHA.)
So this goes on for about two more days. I go back to the store, buy more tests, and take about two a day and each time they'd get a little bit darker. I started leaving them out for John to see and then I'd joke, "look how pregnant I am today" haha. And still he wasn't really convinced. I tried to stay cool, but it was hard because I wanted to act like everything was fine, but I was also like, "HOLY SHIT. WHAT DO I DO?" It was all very confusing. I started journaling a lot during that first week because I was like, "I think I'm pregnant.." and since I couldn't freak out about it to John or anyone else really, I had to do it somewhere. (And I know John well enough to give him his space to process things his own way. Which is sometimes denial, hahaha.)
BUT THEN. I took the second digital test, I don't know maybe four days later because I had learned from google that they might not be sensitive enough to pick up early pregnancy. So I waited (which was hard, lol) and finally took it and definitely "PREGNANT" this time. Even STILL though, John was like, "maybe you're just stressed?" (HAHAHAHAHA.) Although, not totally weird, I did miss a period ONCE a few years ago because I was really stressed out. (And really thin, not sure which one was the reason though. Probably both.)
And soon enough...my bathroom drawer looked something like this, haha. Don't worry. I did eventually throw them all away. I swear. It was getting gross.
SO YEAH. I was pretty convinced now. And John eventually came around. I think it took about two weeks total though, lol. And it took me just as long to finally find and make an appointment with a doctor because I was so scared. (And because I didn't have a doctor yet here and didn't know where to even begin, but luckily John is Mr. researcher and found "the best one" lol.) I probably sounded like such an idiot when I called like, "hi. I believe I might be pregnant..." Just kidding, I didn't actually say that, but something like that. I gave her the date of my last period and she estimated I was around 5 weeks, but said they wouldn't want to see me until around 8 weeks, BUT I was going out of town so I had to schedule it for the week after, which would put me closer to 9 weeks. So now I was looking at not really "finding out" if this was all real or not for another MONTH. I about died. But what could I do? (Keep taking pregnancy tests apparently, lol. John eventually was like, "okay you're pregnant. Stop buying those things.")
So honestly, this whole "secret" time was (and still is as I'm writing this at only 10 weeks) really hard on me. I wanted to be happy. I mean I dreamed of this happening forever, but I was just so overwhelmed with all the feelings and questions I had (like, "am I really ready for this??!") and I just felt really alone and sort of sad. And everything started changing and it was just A LOT all at once. At first because I didn't really feel pregnant or any different at all, I just kept on trying to live my normal life. I'd wake up, drink my pre-workout, workout and then follow it up with a pot of coffee. But eventually John told me what I already knew I'd have to do, but I really didn't want to...cut out all the caffeine. And I know you can drink a little bit of coffee, but it was something that John thought was important, so I did it. And he's had no problem with me still working out, so I figure it's compromise, lol. And after that, I DEFINITELY started to feel different. I blamed it all on caffeine withdrawals at first. Why I was so tired. Why I was getting headaches. Why I was irritable. But then the food aversions came, and my boobs like doubled in size in a day (sorry TMI) and it was clear this was not all caffeine related. I think I'm going to write up a whole post about the food cravings and things though, because that shit rocked my world, lol. I never thought those were real. BUT THEY ARE. I couldn't eat a salad or any vegetable for that matter unless I drenched it in parmesan cheese and ranch. It was a rough time. (But getting better finally..)
And I got very, very emotional a few times and yeah...I'm already a very emotional person, but this was different. In the car one day, the song "Love Triangle" came on (does anyone know it? It's country..) and I just couldn't even hold it in. I started crying and begging John to change the station and he was laughing and thought it was so funny and wouldn't change it. THEN he fricking bought the song! He still thinks it's funny! (But it's not! It's about divorce!)
And when I had to fly to Michigan, I had a little issue that left me looking like a crazy person crying through the airport. And I'm still kind of mad about it, but whatever! So I had read many times that pregnant women usually avoid the body scanner in security, you know? And I had looked it up and read it was safe and blah blah, but John was like, "it's fine. You have pre-check you won't even have to go though it." So I was like, ok, cool! AND THEN my ticket didn't print with pre-check, so I ask the lady why and she goes, "oh sometimes they just don't." And that was it. So I was like, whatever...I'll just go through security. And I was really nervous to ask to begin with, but I get to the front and I say, "excuse me. If I'm pregnant can I bypass that thing and just go through the metal detector?" BECAUSE THEY WERE PULLING PEOPLE ANYWAYS TO GO THROUGH THE METAL DETECTOR SIDE. And this stupid man was SO MEAN. Like, clearly didn't believe me and goes, "not really. Unless you want a pat down." And the way he said it just was in a way that made me feel really stupid and like they didn't have time for that. So I was like, "NOT REALLY" and started crying right there, hahaha. And then kept crying all the way through the body scanner, and putting my shoes back on, and then practically running for what felt like ever trying to find a bathroom where I then cried and cried texting John about it. I was so upset. But I got over it, and when my ticket didn't print with pre-check on the flight back I didn't even bother asking. WHATEVER.
So yeah, very emotional. Very hungry. Very tired. My life started to revolve around my sleep. At first I kept up with my morning workouts, and then I started to wake up starving so I'd eat and push them back to later in the day. (I can't work out feeling food in my stomach.) And while I have kept up with working out every day, it just wipes me out and makes me triple tired. So recently I started sleeping in later in an effort to not have to nap during the day. But still it seems like whenever 2PM comes around...I'm tired again. I sure hope what everyone says is true and this passes soon, because it's driving me crazy. I get nothing done because ALL I DO IS SLEEP! But it's for a good cause...so it's fine, right? (Right? Life can wait?)
But all the changes just felt like a lot, at once. Especially because I had been in such a routine for so long. I had a few breakdowns because I felt like I just "wasn't me anymore." I've been this one person for 28 years and all of a sudden, I felt different. I became this new crazy person who can't make it through the day without at least an hour nap and cries when she finds out the potatoes that were supposed to be for dinner went bad, and can't even choke down a fricking salad! But I've come around a lot, especially since as I'm writing this I've seriously known for like 7 weeks so I've had time to process it all, but at first I was really freaked out. And I know this is only the beginning, and everyone will tell me "just wait," but I guess I just always assumed it'd be easy. That I could handle all of it better. That I was tough or something, haha. But I think it's just a case of rolling with it and finding a new normal. And I'm getting there. (Until of course, it changes again...)
So anyways, my appointment FINALLY came. And thankfully John was able to take the day off to come with me, because I was so, so nervous! I was like nervous something wasn't really in there/equally nervous that something really was. And obviously I had never had an appointment like this before so I just didn't know what to expect. But it went super well. They did a quick sonogram first and there it was...
Something was really in there!
I thought I would freak out over seeing "it" finally, but it happened so fast and the woman didn't really give me time to like "take it all in" and the only question I managed to ask was, "does it move??" Hahaha. She was like, "not much, it's still in the gummy bear stage." Which I thought was so cute and we called it a gummy bear for about a week afterwards. And then we heard it's heartbeat and it was so fast! Like 169! (Which means girl according to all those little myths.) And John was like, "well I hope that slows down eventually. It's going to have a heart attack" haha. AND THEN as I'm coming back from getting dressed again I hear her say to John, "looks like a due date of May 6th" and I was like, "OH MY GOD I KNEW IT. THAT'S MY BIRTHDAY." (I downloaded a few different apps and they were giving me different due dates, but they were all around my birthday so I just knew this would happen.) And by the size of the baby, they put me at 8 weeks 3 days and not 9 weeks like I thought. (Which made me sort of sad because that meant even longer before I could tell, which has/is slowly killing me.) And then we met with our doctor who we LOVE, love love. We both felt really, really good about her. She was super cool and was totally on board with all my crazy talk about working out and trying to gain minimal weight. (She was like, "yeah you would be fine to gain 15-20 lbs. And I was like...well, no more like 25 probably. But let's try to cap it there...haha.)
So since then...which was a little over two weeks ago now, we've both come around a lot to this whole idea, and we're getting pretty excited. (Even John!) I've started reading up on pregnancy and parenting (which is overwhelming to say the least), and I checked out a bunch of baby name books at the library and I think we've even narrowed it down to about two boy and two girl names. (We are super easy though.) John's actually really good at the naming part. I'll probably just let him name him/her which is funny because I always thought I'd be a control freak about it, but I just love that Johns into it and I want him to really be a part of everything he can since duh, it's mostly me doing everything as in growing it etc...
AND we will actually be finding out the gender next week sometime! I got some genetic/blood testing done, which also will tell the sex and we should have the results within the week. Pretty crazy, and most people (at least younger people) opt out of this because it's not always covered by insurance, but if you know John, you know that he wants to know everything. It's just very like him. So we did it. And I cannot believe we get to find out so early. It's good though because knowing us, it would be a loooooonnng however many weeks until they could look and tell us. And that even makes me nervous because sometimes they're wrong! SO YEAH. Almost 11 weeks, and I told John once we hit 12 weeks, he can't stop me from finally telling the world! Not that I could hide it much longer, because in case anyone was wondering. YES. I am showing. (I think so at least.) I've been really good about taking pictures, so here's my latest comparison. The day I found out vs this morning...
And by the time I "tell," I'm sure it'll be showing even more. And these are both in the morning and trust me, by the time I go to bed I am DEFINITELY showing. I've gained about 5 lbs already, and I've already ordered two pairs of maternity leggings which I will soon be living in! My app says this baby is already the size of a lime, so I'm not even mad it's making it's way out already. It has to go somewhere! Although my butt seems bigger too...but that's probably from all the cereal I've been eating. Or the fact that I usually eat lunch and then immediately take a nap afterwards. Or my metabolism's slowing down, I don't know. These are conversations for another day, lol...
...but I'm actually going to stop right here since once we find out the gender, I know I'm going to have A LOT more thoughts/feelings/things I want to write about, so I probably want to dedicate an entire post to that. Right now I'm guessing it's a boy by the way. I felt VERY strongly for about two weeks that it was a girl, and now I feel like it's a boy. (I also had a dream it was a kitten. Not even kidding. I was really relieved when I woke up that it wasn't real, lol.) And John thought girl at first because of the heartbeat, but now he thinks boy now too. And then every single person in our family thinks boy, haha. So we will see...
Until next time! x