Now that it's been over three weeks since we found out and I've had plenty of time to process it all, I want to tell the sort of funny story about how and when we found out baby was a BABY GIRL. And how I FREAKED THE FREAK OUT, lol...
So yeah, I just kept it in my car and tried to pretend like it wasn't there all day, and then when John got home that night he was like, "where is it? I'm going to get it." And I was acting like a total fricking weirdo, like freaking out, "I don't know if we should. We're not having a special dinner. I'm scared." But I'm glad John just made us do it because I think the longer I would have waited, the weirder I would have been, haha. So he opens it because I can't even function for some reason, and...
...cue to me crying for 45 minutes going, "WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WITH A GIRL???!?! I CAN'T EVEN BELIVE THIS." Literally said "I can't even believe this" maybe 100 times. (While John was like, "uh, raise her" lol.) I don't know how anyone has those gender reveal parties actually because it is just such an emotional moment, I couldn't imagine anyone else witnessing it. I probably would have cried either way, but because I so badly wanted it to say boy, when it didn't, I was in total shock. And denial, haha. (Plus. WHY did they write it in baby blue ink? I kept saying that to John too. "WHY DID THEY DO THAT?" Like they tried to trick me.) But let me back it up and tell you why I was freaking out so bad.
It's not that I didn't want a girl. I just really didn't expect it to be a girl. And even though deeeep in my gut I think I did feel like it was a girl, I just kept trying to tell myself that those "gut feelings" couldn't possibly be real and I'd go back to what I always imagined; us having a little boy. But I also knew deeeep down that having a girl scared, me so it was easier (and hopeful thinking) for me to imagine it was a boy. Ever since John and I started talking (/joking) about having kids, we've talked about having boys. And after I nannied the two best little boys last year in Houston, I decided that I wanted two little boys and that I would be the COOLEST boy Mom ever. Boys are so much easier. Maybe not in a....boys-are-wild kind of way, but for someone like me, a boy would have been WAY easier. One night while we were getting ready for bed, I was telling John how I hoped it wasn't a girl because then I'd have to really get my shit together. And he said he sort of felt the same way about having a boy. Like, obviously a girl looks up to her Mom, and a boy looks up to his Dad. Not for everything in life, but for the basics. And since John's a fairly normal human being, I figured we had a good chance of raising a fairly normal little boy. Me on the other hand...I have SHIT. Lots of it. And I'm still in the process of cleaning it up and I don't know if I will EVER be good enough to be the kind of role model I wish I was or could be to a little girl.
*Side note: I'm actually going to post something more on this in the next few weeks, but a big part of my coaching "why" was because I realized, if I ever had a daughter...I wouldn't want her to be anything like me. (True story. I had this epiphany one night and it's what got me off my butt and to take control of my life finally.)
And because I'm not "perfect" yet, I hoped it was a boy so I could still continue to work out the kinks in my shit, and then maybe I'd be ready to have a girl later down the line. (I know there's no such thing as perfect, but high standards here.) And by shit, let me just lay it out there. I had a long battle with an eating disorder that while I may not practice anymore, I still struggle with a lot and worry I always will. I'm also an emotional and obsessive eater, still. Just yesterday for example, I had a dream that I ate an entire bag of breadsticks and woke up crying to John about it. (His only response was, "why didn't you share them with me." LOL.) Then later we ended up at Panera where I ordered a brownie last second and immediately regretted it and after I ate the whole thing, cried to John (again) repeating, "I'm so mad I did that!" And then fought back serious thoughts about throwing it up. (I WOULDN'T but that doesn't mean the thoughts don't come still. They do all the time. But let me repeat, I WOULDN'T. I'm past the action of it, just not the whole "what causes the action" part. That's what I'm still working on.) And, I'm not trying to blame my own Mother for this "shit"...BUT, she has always been sort of diet obsessed. I grew up knowing that if you didn't eat, you stayed thin. And that thin was good. (Sorry Mom, but you know it's true and it's fine. I believe I was meant to have this struggle in a weird way.) So, again I'm not saying these issues are all a direct result of my Moms habits (which was not to eat/never keep food in the house/aka why I think I love to BINGE) because for example, my sister turned out totally fine, but I know that they definitely came into play with me. I'm a lot like her. (In the good ways too Mom.)
SO you can see now why having a girl would scare the shit out of me? And why having a boy got me off the hook for a lot? Boys don't pick up on these things. He would probably eat pizza and burritos like John and live a happy little life. But a girl on the other hand, I just imagined how devastating and unfair it would be to create another version of myself. Like, what kind of message does it send if your Mom has no control over eating a brownie and then cries over it? Seriously??
I basically hyped myself up for it to be a boy because I couldn't even handle the thought. That sounds bad, but it's true. And it's like I thought I could pull "The Secret" on it and if I just focused on it being a boy, the universe would make it a boy. (HAHA, I know.) So yeah, I freaked out bad. I kept looking at the paper thinking there was some kind of mistake. It took me seriously like an hour to finally accept that it said "GIRL." (In blue ink..so stupid.) But then honestly, once I calmed down, it's like this switch completely flipped and I knew it was what was meant to be. It's so obvious to me now. OF COURSE we're having a girl. I can so clearly see how this is what's best, for both of us. First of all, John needs a girl. I've been saying that from the start. And second of all, I NEED this girl. I need her so badly. Having a little boy would have been great, and I do hope we have one someday, but I need this little girl now.
I couldn't even sleep that night because I started thinking about all the things I wanted to do and change and work on. And the kind of Mom I wanted to be. I don't care how much that test cost, me having this extra time knowing that she's a SHE - is PRICELESS. I have this fire underneath me now to do everything I can to make sure I'm the best I can be. If I thought I had a good "why" before (which was just the thought of a daughter), then now I really have THE BEST why in the whole fricking world. It's not just talk anymore, I'm really going to be a Mom to a little girl.
I can't even believe it. (LOL.)
So. Yeah. I got over it really quickly after that and have been SO EXCITED ever since. A few days later I wandered into Gap to look for some baby shoes to make our "official announcement" and once my eyes hit the baby girl section, I swear to God, I died. I was like, "YES. YES. YES. OF COURSE I AM HAVING A GIRL. OF COURSE!" It was maybe one of the happiest moments of my life because seeing all the little girl stuff, it just hit me that I actually really wanted a girl. AND THAT I WAS HAVING ONE! So I had to buy some stuff. (Like the cutest little apple onesie. HAD TO.) And then just the other day I went in again and bought some more stuff...because I had to, lol.
PS: can someone please tell John that we have to buy her clothes BEFORE she gets here, hahaha? He doesn't understand why I'm buying things already, but they were on sale! And she will need A LOT of clothes. (Right? I need advice friends.)
But actually John might be even more excited than I am about her. I think he may have secretly wanted a girl because he didn't even react when we opened the envelope. He was like, "Girl? Okay. Cool." (He didn't really say that, he just stayed really "cool" lol.) But now he won't stop taking about his "little daughter" (HEARTBREAK EMOJI) and asking questions about her and telling me things like, "when she's like two, you have to get her some bubbles so she can take bubble baths."(HEARTBREAK EMOJI AGAIN.) I don't know where he got that bubble bath thing from, but that's just one example of the things he asks/tells me daily about her, haha. And he LOVES to talk to her. He keeps asking, "so when can she hear me??" Because I told him that she will be able to hear soon and that she'll recognize us by our voices. (Which by the way, how crazy is that??)
Oh and let's not forget about this guy. He of course, has no idea what's going on but John has been giving him talks too. It's honestly hilarious and I WISH John would let me record/snapchat him sometimes (but he won't) because he is SO FUNNY. He keeps telling Ted all about how his full time job is about to start, and how he's had it pretty easy up until now but we're really going to need him to step it up soon. How his "free rent" period is about to end and he's going to need to contribute to the family now and how he'll be getting paid holidays and about the extra perks of his new job. (Basically his new job is to watch the baby I think, lol. I don't know. I just let John talk and I stand there and sort of pee my pants laughing.)
So, needless to say we are so, so, so excited about this little girl. It might have been a HUGE shock to me at first, but I know she is going to be the best thing that will ever happen to us, and to me. We can't believe we have to wait six whole months until we get to meet her. (We talk about this all the time too. How we can't wait to meet her and how she will just be the best. More heartbreak emoji's.) But I'm also glad I have this time, and I plan to use it. I still have my "shit" and I probably always will, but it doesn't have to weigh me down and completely control my life anymore. No more crying over brownies. She can't know that kind of behavior. So, I'm working on it. Just last week I was at Costco FOREVER because I had to get a flu shot, then had to wait at the photo center and then had to actually grocery shop and by the time I was done, I was starving. So I decided, "you know what? I'm going to get pizza." So I sat by myself and ate a piece of pizza. It sounds so simple, but it's one of those things I'm learning how to do. A few years ago, I'd eat half a pizza and throw it up. A few months ago, I wouldn't even eat a piece but I'd think and think and think about it and want to and obsess over it. But all I could think about was how soon I'd have my girl with me, and if we were at Costco all morning, how she would want pizza and I would eat pizza with her. And I was okay.
I just can't help but think that this was all so meant to be. I'm not a super religious person, but I know this was no accident. The whole "oops, pregnant" thing and now this. SHE was meant to be ours. And we were meant to be hers, whether we're perfect or not. We all have shit. And there's no such thing as the perfect parent. But I think, and I hope that we will be pretty decent ones. I've said it ten times already, but we're just so, so excited. WE CAN'T BELIEVE IT. (Last time I say that one too, I swear, lol.)