Monday, December 12, 2016

My coaching "why."


I briefly mentioned this in my "OMG it's a girl?!" post, and I've talked about it in a few of my challenge groups, but here's the real deal.

Most of you know by now that I became a Beachbody coach almost 9 months ago now. And I've gotten pretty into it. (Understatement, lol.) Not only into the whole healthy/fitness lifestyle, but also working a lot on myself. My WHOLE self. I think a lot of times it begins with exercise, you know with physical results in mind, or as a distraction from something else maybe, but what happens is that eventually it changes your entire life. I initially bought the 21 Day Fix because I was tired of hating on my body and decided enough was enough, I wasn't going to live that way anymore. And coaching WAS something I was interested in from the start too, but it scared THE HELL out of me. It was like another one of those things that "other people" do, not something that I could ever do. But two weeks into the program, I had already started to change. My confidence in myself like, doubled overnight and for maybe the first time in my life, felt like I could do anything. So I signed up. And all that fear was still there, but it wasn't nearly as strong anymore. I KNEW I could do this. (I mean, I worked out 14 days in a row. I could do ANYTHING after that, lol.) 

And I had a lot of reasons why I wanted to start... 

1.) At the time we had just moved to Charlotte, the FIFTH big move in four years. I was tired of job hopping and doing things I didn't necessarily love doing, but wanted to do contribute and do SOMETHING. 

2.) Because I've always felt pretty much lost in life when it came to "what do you want to be when you grow up??" Back in high school, I'd cry when people would ask me this, lol. I've never felt like I was really drawn in any certain direction, nor was I particularly interested in any ONE thing. I liked a lot of things, and I also knew I DIDN'T like a lot of things. That's for sure. But something about coaching had me really interested. 

3.) And going off number 2, because I didn't go to college (or "finish" technically), I've always had this mindset that I can't make money. I've had some low paying jobs, and it sucked but I thought it was my own fault for never figuring out what I wanted to do with my life. So for me, coaching was this golden opportunity. I KNEW it could be my shot to really make some money, myself. It's great that I have John. I know this. He's the best. I don't have to bring in much. But that doesn't mean I don't WANT to. I do. I just never knew how.

4.) And not only did I want to make some money for myself, but make SOMETHING OF MYSELF. I've always been really disappointed because of all of this. For not "becoming anything" because truthfully, I think I'm pretty damn special. And that's something I wouldn't have been able to say before coaching, but you know what, I am! I lived for a long time thinking I was nothing special, but that's not true. I'm getting ahead of myself now, but the number one thing I think coaching has done for me is show me that. I knew this was my chance to make something for myself, and something on my OWN terms. 

And 5.) Because I wanted to be in control. I was never really good at working for other people. I mean, I am actually. But only because I'm a HUGE people pleaser. I WILL make you happy. I'm great at customer service for this reason. And I enjoy customer service work, I really do. It makes me happy to make other people happy. BUT there's a lot of things I don't like that go along with those traditional jobs. I don't enjoy being "controlled" in a work environment. I hate to be watched. I hate to be monitored. I hate to be judged. I hate to be corrected. And I HATE pretending. Being a people pleaser equals a lot of pretending. Nodding and smiling and acting like you're really interested in whatever it is you're taking about/doing, when in reality you're counting the minutes down until you get to leave and just be yourself again. I was over that. So again coaching for me was a way to live my life on my OWN terms. A chance to really be myself, all of the time. That alone was enough for me to give it a try. 

One night, shortly after I had joined as a coach, I started watching a few of my fellow teammates "why" videos, which is basically where you explain WHY you became a coach. And it's something that's suggested we start thinking about right away, because after all, if you don't know WHY you're doing something.....then WHY are you? (Right?) So after I watched a few, my "why" hit me like a TON of bricks in the chest. And I knew exactly why I was doing this. Sure all the reasons I just listed were great and good enough on their own. But this one was IT. And here's what it was..

Because if I had a daughter, I wouldn't want her to be anything like me. 


And THAT's the thought that hit me like a fuck ton of bricks that night. I immediately journaled afterwards because I knew I couldn't ever lose this strong realization. And then I decided the next morning to just go ahead and make my own "why" video while it was still fresh in my mind. And I never, ever shared it, until now...


So yeah. That whole, "maybe this is what I'm meant to do for the next two years until I'm ready to have kids" thing got bumped up as I'm almost 5 months pregnant now, lol. But you know what? I don't think I needed that long. Shortly after this, I JUMPED right into changing my life and taking control and I've grown and changed SO MUCH already. If you've been following me for a while, you've seen it. I really, really like who I am now. And the reason I haven't wanted to share this video yet is because it still makes me cry. I just remember feeling so, so sad and lost and always wondering who I was and what I was meant to do. But I'm ready to share it because A) if you can relate at all, you're special too. Talk to me. And B) because....YEAH, BABY GIRL ON THE WAY. 

Didn't see that one coming when I made this video! Remember how scared I was about finding out she was a girl? THIS was also why. It's always been a huge fear of mine to raise a girl because I didn't like who I was. I hated that I was so scared of everything. That I KNEW I was holding back in life. Not even holding back, I WASN'T EVEN TRYING. I stood around and just let life happen like I had no choice instead of taking fricking ownership of anything. And the thought raising a little girl who ended up exactly like me someday; sad and lost and living up to just a fraction of what she could be, just crushed me. It crushed me. I couldn't let that happen. And I won't. Which is WHY I am a Beachbody coach.

So what has coaching done for me?

Everything.

It gave me direction and all the tools I needed to really make a change in my life, my WHOLE life. It's why I have goals, and dreams and a vision for the first time, ever. It's why I put myself out there as much as I do, because I know what I want and I'm not holding back anymore. I've started to face my fears on pretty much EVERYTHING. (And gotten OVER a lot of fears that I realized were never even real in the first place.) I've gotten to know and accept myself through personal development. I've found confidence through physical fitness. I'm stronger than I've ever been, or ever imagined I'd be. It's given me the chance to really OWN my life and DO something with it, all while getting to be myself and better myself. I might not be perfect, and a lot of this ISN'T easy. But it is all worth it and I know that my past IS my past for a reason and I believe a big part of it is so that I can pass this on. I KNOW I'm not alone in feeling this way. So I will continue to explore and work through it every day,  sharing as I go, because I'm finally becoming the kind of person I always wanted to be. The kind of person I'd be okay with raising a daughter. A daughter who won't know a Mom who A) hates her job or B) does nothing, and hates herself for it. (Among other things.)

This wasn't really the "follow up essay" I had in mind when I made this video, but I don't think it even needs to be over explained. She was the reason before I even knew she was. And I am going to work SO HARD to be the best example I can be and to make myself and her (and her Dad) proud.

And THAT is "why."

xx.

1 comments:

  1. I opened this and unfortunately this site cant be reached. I think there is maybe some issue regarding proxy or what. I will try to open it later.

    ReplyDelete

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